I find myself in a situation that I can’t seem to escape, and I’m struggling to understand why I still have feelings for this awful guy. I’ll call him “Jake.” My relationship with Jake has been a painful rollercoaster for the past four years, and I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to make sense of it all.
When I first met Jake, everything seemed perfect. He was charming, attractive, and seemed genuinely interested in me. He drove a motorcycle, shared my interests, and everyone around me appeared to adore him—at least, that’s what I thought. He had a nice house and a steady job, and at the beginning, he showered me with affection. But even early on, there were signs I should have noticed.
The first day we met at a rally, he lied about how far his house was. He said it was a 20-minute ride, but it turned into a nerve-wracking 45 minutes. I should have run away then, but I didn’t.
After our initial meeting, he showed up at my place and basically moved in. It felt off, but I was infatuated, so I ignored my gut feeling. He was always around, often missing work just to spend time with me, and he would bombard me with compliments and declarations of love just days into our relationship. Looking back, it felt more like obsession than genuine affection.
Jake had been married four times, and I only found out the truth after digging online. When I confronted him, he brushed it off, making me feel like I was invading his privacy. He was always making grand plans for our future that never materialized, which should have raised more red flags for me.
He wanted constant attention and suffocated me. Anytime I expressed the need for space, he would throw a tantrum. While he did nice things for me, there always seemed to be strings attached—usually, he wanted sex. He pushed for it daily, and while I initially enjoyed it, it quickly became a chore. He even revealed to me after we had unprotected sex that he had Hepatitis C.
The situation escalated when he assaulted me multiple times, and even when I tried to express my feelings about it, he would manipulate the situation to make me feel guilty. His obsession with porn and betrayal only added to my heartbreak. I discovered he was on several hookup sites, which crushed me. Even after I confronted him with proof, he denied everything.
Jake’s behavior was so toxic that even my family and friends began to dislike him. He often spoke poorly of me to them, trying to turn them against me while he continued to manipulate the narrative in his favor. He would lie about everything, from his work to his relationships with women. It was exhausting to deal with his constant denial and blame-shifting.
After a health crisis that I supported him through, I found out he had been cheating on me. The betrayal broke me, and I briefly separated from him. Yet, I took him back, only to face more heartache. He even called me by the name of the woman he cheated on me with multiple times!
I realized that he demanded my undivided attention and would get upset if I spent time with my family, even my newborn granddaughter. It felt as if he was trying to isolate me from everyone who cared about me. Despite all the pain he caused, I couldn’t seem to break free from him. I feared being alone, even though my self-esteem was in shambles.
The last straw came when he physically assaulted me, dislocating my ribs during a fight. My family finally saw him for who he was, and they urged me to leave him. Yet, a part of me still felt tied to him, as if I couldn’t let go.
I know I need to break this cycle, but I don’t know how. If you’ve experienced something similar, I urge you to check out resources like Coping with Sociopaths and Should You Forgive the Psychopath? for guidance.
If you’re looking for more information, you might find this article on relationship hyper-vigilance helpful too.
I can’t help but wonder, what is wrong with me for still loving someone who has caused me so much pain?