Editor’s Note: This letter was submitted by a reader who wishes to remain anonymous.
This is the second part of a three-part letter. Read Part 1 — The Imbalance.
Kindhearted Individuals Often Fall Victim to Narcissists
Throughout my life, I have encountered numerous Narcissists. Although I wasn’t aware of the psychological intricacies of narcissism at the time, my experiences have provided me with valuable insights. I can still laugh at how my ex, whom I’ll refer to as “Chad,” claimed to relate to all my previous partners—men with dark pasts ranging from criminal behavior to substance abuse—who, like him, became destructive when their facades crumbled.
Oh, if only I had sought clarity sooner and researched the troubling behavior I witnessed. My initial searches led me to terms that accurately described Chad: double standards, deceit, and a chilling lack of empathy. This marked the beginning of my journey to understanding the disorder lurking beneath his charming exterior.
Chad Made Me Completely Dependent on Him
During my relationship with Chad, my mother was gravely ill, eventually passing away. She had seen through Chad’s facade and despised him, but I dismissed her concerns, attributing them to bitterness. This choice to ignore her warnings haunts me to this day. Chad’s insecurities—rooted in his claims of being wronged by previous partners—manifested into possessiveness, preventing me from being with my mother during her final moments.
Although my mother had left me her home, Chad wouldn’t allow me to claim it, fearing it would bring him liability. This loss compounded my dependency on him, as he aimed to control every aspect of my life. His manipulation left me financially drained, forcing me to rely on him for basic needs, including covering my mother’s funeral expenses. I handed over monetary gifts I received from his family, who insisted I was family, but it was all part of his game of control.
The Temporary Exit
Our relationship was fraught with conflict, particularly when I dared to ask about the repayment of a loan I had provided Chad. His rage was swift, redirecting blame onto me and my past financial decisions. When I took a brief break from our tumultuous relationship, I realized far too late that I should have sought legal recourse for the money he owed me. Instead, I clung to the hope that he could change, consistently overlooking the glaring red flags.
During this time apart, I had a revealing conversation with Chad’s brother, who denied that their family wanted the money back from the sympathy cards sent for my mother’s service. Chad, however, was relentless in his demands, a classic narcissistic tactic to undermine my confidence in my relationships with others.
Ceding Control of My Finances
Chad eventually coerced me into signing a written agreement regarding the loans I had given him. In exchange, I would send him a significant portion of my paycheck, leaving me with little to nothing for myself. I foolishly believed that this arrangement would be temporary and that he would eventually repay me, but I was tragically wrong.
He manipulated me into giving him control over my finances, while my bills accumulated unpaid. In my desperation to believe in his good intentions, I neglected to demand accountability for my money. The written agreement he later shredded during one of our many arguments was proof of his deceit. Each time I tried to assert myself, he would retaliate, leaving me feeling trapped and powerless.
A Missed Opportunity for Freedom
Looking back, I realize I had multiple chances to escape from this toxic relationship. Instead, I chose to believe his empty promises and handed over my tax refund—my last financial lifeline. I was in love, but it was not with the man I thought he was. The façade he maintained was one of kindness, but the reality was far more insidious.
In the end, I learned the hard way that trust, once broken, is difficult to rebuild. If you find yourself in a similar situation, I urge you to seek guidance and support. Resources like Out of the Fog can provide invaluable assistance, and books like The Sociopath Next Door can help illuminate the patterns of manipulation and deceit that narcissists often employ.
Tomorrow: Part 3 — Escape, Liberation, and True Love