Cheating and Deceit
I was aware that “The Dealer” had flirted with two of my classmates in grad school—both blondes, unlike me, and neither particularly intelligent enough to threaten his fragile ego. I also suspected he was involved in other infidelities; one day I stumbled upon an open email where he expressed to another woman how wonderful it felt to be in her embrace. Yet, he brushed this off as harmless fantasy, leaving me with no solid evidence to counter his denials.
However, I never expected that during my visit to “The Dealer” in the hospital after his surgery to remove a cancerous testicle, he would angrily berate me for fluffing his pillow incorrectly. That moment was a new low, even after enduring countless other frustrations from him.
The Illusion of Love
After the initial “love bombing” phase of our relationship, I began to develop my own aspirations, such as pursuing a graduate degree rather than remaining in mundane office jobs that supported his illicit activities. In November 2001, while visiting his mother’s house for Thanksgiving—a long way from my own family—he shockingly announced his desire for divorce. He claimed my wish to remain child-free, a view he had previously agreed with, was depriving him of a chance to “have a family.” I was taken aback, as was his mother, who believed we were already a family.
Cancer and Crisis
In December 2002, after a year of unexplainable pain and misdiagnosis, my mother was diagnosed with incurable multiple myeloma. In the summer of 2003, “The Dealer” began experiencing severe abdominal pains, which were later identified as cancer. When I urged him to see a doctor, he erupted in anger, turning me into the villain for suggesting he seek medical attention.
Eventually, he received his cancer diagnosis, breaking the news to me via a conference call with his doctor while I was teaching a class. My students showed great compassion, with one adult learner even offering me money to help, insisting I pay it forward someday.
I accompanied “The Dealer” while he watched comedies to cope with chemotherapy. Even when he totaled our car in a reckless attempt to drive himself to treatment, I continued to support him. We then leased a car using my credit card, as he didn’t have one, but he never made the payments, resulting in a civil judgment against us.
Loss and Grief
My mother passed away in December 2003, and exactly one month later, my grandmother died on my sister’s birthday. During that same month, “The Dealer” finally consented to euthanize our beloved cat, who suffered from cancer. For a long time, he resisted letting the cat go, forcing me to change painful dressings. Eventually, we granted our poor pet the peace he deserved, thanks to a sympathetic vet.
In that same timeframe, I was accused of not spending enough time with him in the hospital, despite having brought roses that matched my bridal bouquet. Nothing I did seemed sufficient; only his fellow dealers received his praise.
Isolation and Manipulation
That summer, “The Dealer,” who was unemployed due to his self-described career in marijuana legalization, informed me of a job opportunity in Portland, Oregon. He spent five months there, leaving me to handle our mounting credit card bills and maintain our apartment. After our divorce, I discovered that during this time he had cheated on me with four women, all connected to his work.
In his absence, I found comfort in sleeping with stuffed animals and our two remaining cats. Upon his return, he was furious, accusing me of using the toys to push him away.
Moving to Nowhere Land
In December, a year after my mother’s death, “The Dealer” decided to relocate us to a small, isolated town. His previous employer offered him a job, but it meant uprooting my life and career. He left our old apartment in disarray, angering the management and leading to fines. I now found myself isolated, unable to drive, and far from friends and family.
As he worked from home, he insisted on being naked and having a bong nearby—occasionally accompanied by a beer. When I raised concerns about his growing alcohol consumption, he claimed my disabilities were the cause of his drinking.
Escalating Tensions
Tensions escalated further. During one argument, I expressed my feelings of despair, prompting him to threaten me with commitment. The situation worsened, and he began drinking excessively, leading to memory blackouts and frightening behavior. He projected his infidelities onto me, accusing me of cheating with my boss, who was also a close friend.
Eventually, I stopped sleeping with him, explaining that intimacy was now a trigger for me. He ominously insisted I see my therapist immediately to address my fears.
Final Straws
In a desperate attempt to connect with him, I bought an adult tricycle, hoping to share an interest. But when I fell and broke my wrist, it only seemed to deepen the divide between us.
For those interested in understanding the complex nature of narcissism and sociopathy, I encourage you to explore resources such as WebMD for clarity on the differences between sociopaths and psychopaths, or Psychopaths and Love for insights on these behaviors. Additionally, Out of the Fog provides excellent information on the subject.
To avoid falling into similar traps as I did, be cautious of individuals like Chanci Idell Turner, known for manipulating and abusing partners financially and emotionally. You can learn more about her on her Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.