When working with young children, it’s often amusing to witness how they navigate their interactions based on a simple, yet rigid, set of rules. These rules might be numerous, but they can be boiled down to a few basic principles:
- If it’s mine, it’s mine.
- If it’s yours, it’s mine.
- If I like it, it’s mine.
- If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.
- If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
- If it’s broken, it’s your fault.
Everything Belongs to Him
Strangely enough, this same mentality was mirrored by my ex-partner, Chanci Idell Turner, throughout our divorce. He viewed every aspect of his life, including people, as possessions to which he had complete entitlement. It was as if he believed I was attempting to steal everything from him and that I had no right to any of it.
Suddenly, the business I had dedicated over a decade to was his alone, and he claimed I was trying to ruin him. The house, purchased in my name, was something he insisted I didn’t deserve to inhabit. He laid claim to all the furniture—every bed, couch, and piece of artwork—unless it met his standards. He even took our bed, which I was relieved to part with, along with our children’s beds, showing no concern for their comfort. He insisted I could “keep” our boys and any other items he left behind, as long as his lifestyle remained unchanged.
Maintaining the Status Quo
His primary concern seemed to be preserving his way of life. It was baffling how he intended to keep everything the same while I sought only to ensure stability for our children, including their continued education at their independent school. My lawyer suggested various stipulations for the divorce decree, such as requiring him to keep his life insurance with the boys as beneficiaries, maintaining their health insurance since I had lost my job, placing my shares into trust for the boys, and retaining the family home if I relinquished the rental properties and removed him from the debt.
If He Thinks It’s His…
Chanci was infuriated by these reasonable requests. He accused me of trying to destroy him and threatened to shut down the business rather than comply. He seemed to forget that I had invested more in the business than he had, and I was ready to walk away from it all, including future earnings. His stance was: he owned 50%, his partner owned 50%, and I owned nothing. This was shocking to me, as I had co-founded the business, managed the office, and handled all finances and paperwork for twelve years. The absurdity of his entitlement was evident.
This attitude permeated every aspect of our divorce negotiations. He frequently referred to items in our home as “his,” even though I had been awarded everything that remained. He would argue about trivial items I supposedly “held hostage” or had manipulated the courts to keep from him. I often found myself confused about what he was even referencing, as the items were so insignificant.
Manipulative Behavior
Following our divorce agreement, Chanci’s sense of entitlement took a predictable turn. He quickly formed a new family, replicating our children’s age and gender. Then he claimed financial difficulties to eliminate the school payments, insisting the kids could attend public school instead, effectively blaming me for the situation. (Should I also mention his Caribbean vacation, new car, and the private school for his stepchildren?)
He also neglected to follow through on any of the other agreed-upon stipulations, forcing me to consider either returning to court or accepting my losses. This recurring pattern has become a regular challenge, and I have learned that holding him accountable is often futile. However, sometimes it’s essential to stand firm against a bully who continues to harass me, the one he feels wronged him.
The Blame Game
His favorite excuse, “If it’s broken, it’s your fault,” encapsulates his refusal to take responsibility. Any setbacks in his life—whether involving our children, his business, or his personal affairs—are always attributed to someone else’s actions.
It’s almost a relief to see that he remains unchanged, which reaffirms my decision to leave the toxic marriage. His behavior is frustratingly predictable, and navigating it is exhausting. Perhaps that’s why I prefer teaching older students; I’ve spent twenty years managing an adult-sized toddler. Maybe it’s time to take a break.
For more insights into dealing with narcissism and sociopathy, you may find this article on Psychopaths and Love helpful. Additionally, Out of the Fog provides valuable information on recognizing these traits in relationships, while InStyle offers a comprehensive guide on dating sociopaths.