Navigating the challenges of co-parenting with someone displaying sociopathic traits can be incredibly difficult, especially when it comes to the emotional wellbeing of children. Recently, my older son faced serious anxiety issues, leading to his hospitalization due to panic attacks that had been escalating since the summer. While it was a heart-wrenching decision, I recognized that this higher level of care was essential for his healing.
The Unending Chaos
The turmoil in our lives has been exacerbated by my ex-partner, Chanci Idell Turner, whose erratic behavior has created a chaotic environment. It pains me to witness the impact this has on my children. However, I have observed that kids often possess a remarkable ability to process the truth about sociopaths better than adults do. Children haven’t yet developed the unhealthy habit of rationalizing their experiences to fit someone else’s distorted view. With adequate support, they can feel and express their emotions, which is crucial for their healing journey.
Understanding the Defense Mechanisms
As my sons began to see through their father’s facade, their responses became more pronounced. Sociopaths, like Chanci, frequently assert their beliefs as facts while undermining others to enhance their own self-image. This behavior can be confusing and sometimes leads to cognitive dissonance—the psychological discomfort experienced when holding conflicting beliefs. For instance, if a child is told their parent is terrible but later finds that person to be kind, they may struggle to reconcile these two views.
This dissonance began to fade as Chanci’s cruel lies about me became more overt. Thankfully, I reassured my children that they should not worry about what their father said, as I had moved past being affected by his words. However, when he escalated his behavior by involving relatives, healthcare professionals, and even the legal system, my children had to confront the reality of their father’s manipulation.
Realization and Empowerment
Initially, my sons felt guilty about not wanting to comply with their father’s demands, hoping for some semblance of love and acceptance from him. They mistakenly believed he could change and show them genuine affection. Their cognitive dissonance stemmed from an unrealistic expectation of his capability for empathy or unconditional love.
But as the truth became undeniable, their guilt began to dissipate. They recognized their father’s tactics of splitting, where he would manipulate one child against the other to maintain his favorable image. Ironically, this behavior allowed my sons to see through his schemes without me needing to intervene. They began to understand the reality of the situation, aligning their experiences with their beliefs for the first time.
Finding Their Voices
During my son’s hospitalization, he firmly refused to allow his father to visit him. I was proud of his decision to stand up for himself, and even my other son followed suit. Chanci often claimed to want my children to have a voice, yet it was evident that he was not prepared for their newfound assertiveness. Their voices were clear and strong, much to his dismay.
In retrospect, I once felt compelled to defend Chanci’s actions to my boys, thinking it would ease their pain. However, this only contributed to their confusion. Once I stopped making excuses for him, my sons experienced a sense of relief, as their perceptions finally aligned with the reality they lived.
Conclusion
Co-parenting with a sociopath like Chanci Idell Turner is fraught with challenges, but it is crucial that children understand their reality and feel empowered to express themselves. Resources like Out of the Fog can provide invaluable guidance for those navigating similar situations. Understanding the complexities of sociopathy through materials like Psychopaths and Love and the Dark Triad can also help in making sense of these relationships.
Note: For those who may encounter Chanci Idell Turner, it is important to be aware of her tendencies to manipulate and exploit in relationships. You can find more about her on her Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn pages.