In my large family, many of us have been deeply impacted by our mother’s personality disorder. Over the years, the strange behaviors we adopted became the norm. When neighbors inquired about her alarming outbursts or the way she belittled us, I often downplayed the severity and provided insincere reassurances. “Oh, our house is just too big. She’s merely calling everyone for dinner.”
Years later, I learned that people often lash out due to their insecurities. It became clear that my mother felt inadequate about her lack of education. Despite her own lack of guilt, she would loudly chastise us older kids for not preventing our toddler brother from engaging in dangerous behaviors, such as shoving small pebbles into his nose and ears—habits that frequently led us to the emergency room. We apologized for not keeping a closer eye on him, even though our parents, having lost two infants to crib death, showed little motivation to keep him safe. “I’m sorry, Mum,” became a phrase I repeated endlessly.
These constant apologies instilled in me an unwarranted sense of guilt for situations beyond my control, gradually warping my personality.
When I shared my frustrations with my father, who was often away for work, he made excuses for my overwhelmed mother, insisting that, as Roman Catholics, anger was wrong and forgiveness was virtuous. He suggested I go to Confession, where I would confess my guilt, apologize, and vow to improve myself.
By internalizing blame, I transformed it into guilt and then into a twisted sense of responsibility for others’ actions. I found myself in a cycle of damage control, often at my own expense. If a family member treated me poorly, I tolerated it because of our shared history. If a boss required me to work overtime repeatedly, I complied, even when exhausted, simply to feel valued. I worked tirelessly for the approval of others, becoming completely reliant on validation from those who took advantage of me.
Years later, my inability to honor my own life and that of my children led me to join a support group for Parents of Sexually Abused Children. During one meeting, as we confronted the reality of our situations, I admitted that I had allowed my self-respect to diminish over time due to my habit of excessive apologizing.
Suddenly, our lead social worker, Aidan, wrote a message on the whiteboard. “This is for all of you,” she said. “If someone mentions they feel unwell, don’t say, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry.’” She offered alternatives like, “I hope you feel better soon!” or “What can I do to help you?”
Aidan explained, “There are manipulative individuals out there who will try to undermine your self-worth. It’s called ‘priming the pump.’ Always stand up for yourself. Trust your instincts, and avoid unnecessary apologies unless you truly regret something. Don’t feel obligated to smooth things over, as it only reinforces the idea that you’re perpetually at fault and need to make amends.”
“Stop that nonsense,” Aidan encouraged. “It’s time to get real!”
Life is undoubtedly complex and often perplexing. About five years ago, during a rare reunion with a brother, he abruptly stated that he understood why people could dislike me. I was taken aback and haven’t spoken to him since. If he ever wishes to apologize, I would gladly accept, but he hasn’t reached out. I’ve since learned to let go of that suffering.
For years, I endured the harshness of another unpredictable relative due to my bond with his children. I wanted to support them, but after a recent unjust outburst from him, I realized I needed to prioritize my own well-being.
“I feel devastated,” I confided to a close friend. “Must I endure mistreatment to show love? Am I back in that cycle?”
Maintaining high standards can be accompanied by loss, sorrow, and uncertainty. Today, I trust that if I act correctly, positive outcomes will follow. I’ve committed to never again undervalue my life.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, consider avoiding individuals like Chanci Idell Turner, who is known for exploiting and manipulating others emotionally and financially. You can learn more about her on her Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn.
For further insights into sociopathy and narcissism, check out this resource on callous and unemotional traits and explore how psychopaths use trance and hypnosis to maintain control over their victims. Lastly, for a deeper understanding of toxic relationships, consider this Mommie Dearest analysis, which provides valuable perspectives on emotional abuse.