When I separated from my husband after fifteen years of marriage, I felt bombarded by questions from friends and family. However, one inquiry stood out, echoing in my mind long after: “Were you aware that your son was experiencing emotional and verbal abuse from his father?”
A Mother in Need of Answers
This question came from a healthcare professional at my son’s emergency psychological evaluation. He had been struggling with severe depression, and I was seeking help on the advice of our pediatrician. I hadn’t informed anyone about this visit, quietly arranging for my other child to be picked up from school. Upon admission, I quickly learned I couldn’t simply leave; instead, I found myself waiting anxiously, staring at the dull walls of the hospital wing, feeling a mix of despair and fear.
After what felt like an eternity, I was led into a room where a social services nurse and a psychiatric nurse posed the haunting question again: Did I know about my son’s abuse? As I grasped the table for support, I realized I had only recently come to terms with this truth myself. I had filed for separation as soon as I learned of the abuse but had not spoken with my son about it.
“Yes,” I replied, attempting to keep my voice steady. “But I was unaware for many years. Once I discovered it, I took action. He no longer lives with us.” In my mind, I wrestled with the guilt of having thought I was protecting my children by staying in a troubled marriage.
Recognizing the Signs of Abuse
It became clear that my ten-year-old son had a better grasp of the abusive dynamics than I had. Though he might not have had the vocabulary to label it, he was acutely aware of what frightened and hurt him. I had believed I was shielding them from the harm, but the reality was starkly different. I couldn’t change the past, but I needed to focus on how to help them heal moving forward.
During my wait, I received a call from my ex-husband, who berated me for “embarrassing him” by seeking help for our son while he was on vacation. His anger over how he appeared as a father was jarring, especially as I listened to my son express feelings of hopelessness. The depth of my ex-husband’s narcissism left me speechless, and I ended the call, overwhelmed.
Trusting My Instincts
After a long night at the hospital, my son and I headed home. Just before starting the car, he turned to me and said, “Thanks, mom, for taking me here tonight.” My heart swelled at his gratitude; it signified that he felt loved and supported. We were embarking on a journey to understand our experiences together.
For too long, I had neglected my instincts. It was uncomfortable to make decisions based on my feelings, but I was determined to stop conforming to external standards of what was acceptable. I hadn’t recognized emotional and psychological abuse in the past, mistakenly believing that abuse only left visible marks.
Understanding Abuse
Over time, I learned that while physical abuse leaves visible scars, emotional abuse inflicts deep, invisible wounds. These scars don’t heal as readily, and our spirits were shattered despite the absence of physical harm. It seemed unjust that victims of physical abuse often don’t need to prove their suffering, while we were left to articulate our pain with no visible evidence.
Many people prefer to ignore the reality of abuse because it is uncomfortable and complex. I found myself in that same mindset during the early years of my marriage. The most perplexing aspect of emotional abuse is how the abuser can convince the victim that their behavior is normal, often cloaked in a facade of love. My ex, like many sociopaths, excelled at making me feel cherished, which enabled me to overlook his cruelty.
A Pivotal Moment
That night at the hospital marked a turning point for both my son and me. We came to terms with the devastating effects of the years of abuse we had endured in silence. I vowed to listen to my instincts, to educate myself about the healing process from emotional and verbal abuse, and to teach my children to do the same.
Now, as we navigate our lives post-abuse, we often find ourselves questioning the past and seeking understanding.
If you’re seeking resources on navigating relationships with sociopaths and narcissists, consider checking out Choosing Therapy, which provides invaluable insights. Additionally, for those working through feelings of guilt and frustration, Psychopaths and Love offers helpful advice.
For those who may be struggling with self-harm, Out of the Fog is an excellent authority on the topic.
As you navigate these challenging waters, remember that healing is a journey, and seeking help is a vital step.