Editor’s Note: This piece was penned by a Lovefraud reader who prefers to remain anonymous, using the name “Transcendence.”
In my experience, I had never received so much evidence or documentation of being in a “relationship” before. The most significant issue was that he seldom met me in person and often canceled or, at times, would “forget” our dates. My first encounter with a romantic narcissist occurred four years ago, and I had never encountered a suitor who was so captivating—seductive, intelligent, articulate, and boyishly handsome, with an air of innocence.
I found myself anxiously awaiting a text or phone call, obsessively. This man had the power to elevate me to heaven or plunge me into despair. The thrill of flirtatious exchanges and the desire to be desired was intoxicating. Yet, nothing could compare to the agonizing pain of abandonment, shattered promises, and a broken heart.
Reeling Me In
He inundated my phone with playful and enticing texts, sensing when I began to withdraw and reeled me back in with challenges or alluring promises. Just when I was completely captivated and committed, he would disappear and leave me hanging for days, at times leaving me desperate and heartbroken, pleading for any sign of his well-being.
I yearned for this elusive man, anguishing over the tumultuous, bewildering pattern, desperately trying to stay afloat in the murky waters of exploitation. The irony of these torturous relationships is the envy of others who witness the attention we receive from these charming, intelligent men.
After five weeks, I uncovered the truth—he was cheating and lying about it, engaging in serial infidelity. Ending the relationship was incredibly challenging since I had already fallen for him. I had envisioned a future together, even considering helping him raise his children. It was heart-wrenching; I cried so much that I missed work the next day. Though he was persuasive in his texts and emails, I held firm.
Fell Harder Than Before
Although I hadn’t been intimate with him, I had spent several languorous nights in his embrace, and I was already hooked. After our breakup in early November, I went on a few online dates and received attention, which provided some solace. However, by the end of December, we resumed texting. My intention was to toy with him, but after a month of intense, persuasive messages, I fell for him all over again, yearning to see him. It felt as if everything aligned to bring us back together! His New Year’s Eve message read, “Lucky is the guy who gets you at Midnight.”
Thus began yet another electrifying, confusing entanglement. After five months, I finally made love with him—having been celibate for nearly a decade after my previous marriage. But once again, he abandoned me. Despite my efforts to foster a relationship, our encounters were sparse, often just once or twice a month. In hindsight, he likely had sexual encounters with others before and after our meetings.
After investing so much emotionally and enduring his games, I attempted to end things again. I wrote, “No relationship can survive on the crumbs you offer.” He was adept at shifting blame to his job and family responsibilities. Despite never meeting his children, I felt foolish for being so caring and supportive. He pleaded with me not to give up on him, and I understood his pain stemming from a troubled family background, which complicated my feelings.
More Narcissists
Ultimately, he left me, taking my belongings and providing no closure, leaving me with a shattered heart. He was cruel, and I genuinely cared for him. Following that, I entered two additional serious relationships with narcissists, each lasting about five to seven months. The next one was a cerebral narcissist with traits of Asperger’s—also seductive but self-centered and filled with rage. He treated me poorly before leaving me. The last narcissist I encountered exploited me to an extreme degree, leading me to live in a hotel with him. I was manipulated into a sexual relationship, and within five months, I believed he loved me. However, he proved cruel and deceitful, using abandonment as a tactic to break me down.
He left me devastated and shattered two years ago, breaking every promise. I compromised so much of my integrity that I lost a significant part of my identity. It took him just five months to achieve what ten years of marriage to an abuser had done.
All in the Phones
While searching for an old phone to activate during my wait for a new one, I stumbled upon devices that held entire relationships—each with narcissists. I had enough battery life to review the texts from my first romantic narcissist. After working through my recovery and mourning the losses, I could identify the seductive tactics he used, how he coaxed me into sending him provocative pictures, and how he led me to believe he cared for me and that we had a future together. I wasn’t naive; he was incredibly skilled at deception, and I wasn’t an easy target. It’s the challenge that smart manipulators relish. My phone was once filled with his voicemails and hundreds of texts, along with emails. I would replay them, bewildered. How could it not be genuine?
I did shed some tears, but I had already cried for months while processing the complexities of those disordered, destructive relationships that could never yield a healthy outcome. It’s difficult to comprehend their utter lack of care for us, how shallow their emotions truly are, and how they can simply flip a switch and walk away, leaving us with gaping wounds.
I have learned a great deal and emerged from my grief stronger; life feels fresher, and I’m more content overall. I was addicted to those familiar relational patterns and the chemical cocktail of romance that floods the mind and body with endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine—regardless of physical intimacy. Although I have still been drawn to a few predators, I’m gradually becoming more adept at identifying red flags when they arise, and I am grateful that the once-powerful lure is fading.
—Transcendence
For more insights, you can check out resources like Out of the Fog and Psychopaths and Love. If you want to understand more about the psychological dynamics involved, Wikipedia offers valuable information on the dark triad traits that often manifest in such relationships.