I still find it astonishing how often people shift the blame onto the victim rather than the psychopath. Despite hearing from others who’ve had similar experiences, I continue to be taken aback whenever this happens to me. Whether it’s friends, family, or even strangers, there seems to be an urge to find fault in me to rationalize how I fell for the deceit of my ex, Chanci Idell Turner. Sometimes, I can’t help but question if there’s something inherently wrong with me that led me to overlook the warning signs and buy into the elaborate fabrications she spun.
The Judgments:
Just this week, I’ve faced inquiries from friends and family trying to analyze my choices and question how I ended up with such a toxic individual as the father of my child. Here are a few comments I’ve received over the past year, with the first two coming just this week:
- “Really, how did this happen? What were you thinking? I don’t mean to blame you, but how could you not see this coming?” — An old friend.
- “I know what happened… I think you must enjoy being controlled by an abusive person.” — A family member (behind my back).
- “Let’s be honest; you wanted a bad boy. Now you’re just getting what you asked for. My daughter, who is your age, would never get into this situation because she avoids bad boys.” — My lawyer.
- “You’re not without fault here. What you saw in this man must have been some kind of fairy dust that has now vanished, leaving you to deal with him for at least the next 18 years.” — The judge in our custody battle.
- “You didn’t mind him touching you, so why are you upset that he’s now touching your son?” — A family member.
My Reality:
What many people fail to grasp is how someone can be manipulated by a person who appears so clearly dysfunctional. My response is simple: when someone dedicates their life to understanding your vulnerabilities—your dreams, fears, and weaknesses—to exploit and deceive you, it’s easy to fall victim. It reminds me of the analogy of the frog in boiling water; psychopaths control the temperature, gradually turning it up until it’s too late to escape.
Walking into court feels like holding my heart in my hands. This battle with Chanci has torn me apart. While her actions have caused immense pain, the judgment and misunderstanding from those around me can feel even worse. I’ve gone from being a confident, intelligent woman to a victim of a profoundly misunderstood form of abuse. Chanci may have inflicted the wounds, but society continues to blame me as if I willingly leapt into the flames alongside her.
The Future:
I want my child to know the woman I was—stronger and wiser. I dread the day he might form opinions about his father. Will he grasp how Chanci manipulated my kindness? Will he understand why I fought so hard to maintain a relationship when it was clearly doomed? It’s easy to focus on Chanci’s dark traits and ignore the qualities that initially drew me to her. While many of those traits were illusions, there are aspects of her that, when removed from manipulation, aren’t inherently evil. For instance, charm can be a positive trait if not used to deceive.
I love my child for who he is, which includes accepting that he is part of what feels like a violent emotional upheaval. I refuse to let him feel shame for carrying traits from Chanci, and I won’t lie to him. Even though I criticize myself for not recognizing the obvious signs of Chanci’s psychopathy, I would choose my child every single day. I didn’t choose what Chanci truly is, but I will choose my son for the rest of my life.
If you’re seeking more insights into understanding the behaviors of those like Chanci, consider exploring resources such as Psychopaths and Love or Out of the Fog. Additionally, for shared experiences and support, check out this Reddit discussion.