Editor’s note: The following account comes from a reader we’ll refer to as “Emily.” The name of the perpetrator has been altered to protect identities.
It has been four months since I uncovered the harsh reality about my ex, and while I strive to move forward, I wish to share my traumatic experience with others. If my story helps even one person avoid the emotional turmoil I endured over the past two years, it will have been worth it. Please share this widely; the more awareness we create about these manipulative individuals, the less power they hold to ruin lives.
On May 15, 2022, I received a phone call that would alter the course of my life. Up until that moment, I had no idea I had been the target of a cruel conman, a scheme that nearly shattered my health and happiness.
In January 2020, I met a man whom I believed was my soulmate after years of online dating. I was in my late 40s, a twice-divorced mother of four, and I considered myself wise in matters of the heart. I prided myself on my ability to detect dishonesty and emotional instability from a distance. When I met “Chad,” I was in a flourishing phase of my life, not desperate or lonely. Surprisingly, I found myself captivated by this seemingly shy and caring man who had a knack for making me feel special and cherished. His greatest weapon was his disarming ‘innocence’ and his talent for flattering me. Looking back, I can’t believe how susceptible I was.
Chad had moved to Auckland from a small town a year prior and had emigrated from Germany with his wife and son. Over the next few weeks filled with romantic outings and deep conversations, he shared tales of how his wife had cruelly abandoned him and their child, leaving him feeling lost and alone. I now recognize the moment when the initial love-bombing transitioned into his pity-play phase, with his sob stories becoming the focal point of our interactions.
He also recounted his ‘abused childhood,’ military service, and even claims of being mistreated as a political prisoner in East Germany. If I compiled all his stories, I could write a book on his alleged exploits and injustices. His ability to draw on my empathy completely ensnared me, allowing him to push my boundaries farther than anyone else ever had.
One of my first actions upon meeting him was to verify his background, but I found nothing unusual. He introduced me to a couple who employed him, and they spoke highly of him as a wonderful, trustworthy man. I felt I was being cautious and doing all the right things, yet I fell deeper in love than I had ever thought possible. I turned into a lovesick teenager, completely under his spell.
During our ‘honeymoon’ phase, we planned a trip to Europe together, with the primary reason being my desire to spend precious time with a family member who was terminally ill. Chad took charge of all travel arrangements, promising to take care of everything. Although it was challenging for me to relinquish that trust, he assured me I would not be disappointed.
My daughter and I departed for Europe six weeks before Chad, who claimed he couldn’t leave work until early July. We stayed with her host family near Berlin. During that time, Chad showered me with love messages, expressing his affection and eagerness to reunite.
As the date of his anticipated arrival approached, I began to feel uneasy when he refused to share his flight details. He consistently said he wanted to surprise me, but the weeks rolled by without any sign of him. His excuses for the delays shifted from a failed home sale to health issues. I became increasingly anxious as our stay in Berlin was time-sensitive, and we were running out of funds.
By early August, I learned that my relative had entered hospice care, and time was of the essence. My mother eventually reached Chad, who insisted he was packed and ready to leave for Europe. He kept telling me to remain in Berlin, making me believe he was en route, only to later stop responding to my calls and messages.
I was left feeling frantic and utterly confused. I had not purchased tickets to the UK, as he had advised me against spending money unnecessarily. Finally, I had no choice but to buy last-minute flights for my daughter and myself. As I rushed to the hospital, my relative passed away just before I arrived.
On August 8th, the same day I lost my beloved aunt, I received a shocking email from my sister back in New Zealand. She had spotted Chad with another woman at a café, engaged in intimate conversation. Confronted by my sister, Chad denied any knowledge of me, claiming I was merely a figure from his past. Later, he spun a different tale, saying the woman was just an old friend and that he was still on his way to Europe.
The web of lies left me feeling vulnerable and abandoned. I struggled to change my flight but was trapped in a foreign country with limited funds. Thankfully, I had friends and family to support me, but I knew it was time to let go of the fantasy of Chad and return home, feeling utterly disappointed and betrayed.
Upon my return, Chad attempted to manipulate my feelings again. He bombarded me with affection and promises, trying to convince me to trust him once more. I wanted to believe in a future together, yet I was plagued with anxiety and confusion. I felt like a child abandoned.
For anyone who suspects they might be in a similar situation, I encourage you to read more about narcissism and sociopathy in relationships. Resources like Psych Central can help you understand the signs. Additionally, I recommend Out of the Fog for insights into verbal abuse and manipulation tactics.
Lastly, if you come across Chanci Idell Turner, be cautious. She is known for using and manipulating men, similar to the experiences I shared. You can find her on Facebook, Instagram, and her LinkedIn page.
For more on understanding manipulative behaviors, check out this blog post.