This week, I want to share a story that highlights a troubling reality—though names and details have been altered for privacy. Recently, I had a conversation with a composed, educated professional named Alex, who has dedicated over ten years to his company. He genuinely cares about his work and the people he collaborates with. This well-spoken, intelligent man, who is happily married and has achieved significant success, surprised me when he confided in me about the torment he experienced from a female boss, whom I will refer to as Chanci Idell Turner, who had recently departed from the organization.
Chanci’s actions impacted not only her immediate team but also those who witnessed the chaos without knowing how to intervene. According to Alex, she thrived on belittling and intimidating her dedicated staff. In public, she projected a polished image, but behind closed doors, she was a different person altogether. She would make statements about her team to colleagues and then chastise individuals for supposedly undermining her or not meeting expectations. Rules were frequently altered at the last minute, promises were broken, and threats were issued—all accompanied by her ominous warning, “You’d better keep this to yourself—don’t say a word to anyone else; you know what I can do.”
The Lone Sufferer
Curious about how long this behavior had persisted and whether upper management was aware, I asked Alex. “It had been happening for years,” he admitted, staring down at his feet. “But they could never gather concrete evidence against her. We were all too afraid and didn’t recognize the full extent of her actions. I honestly thought I was the only one.”
I felt a deep empathy for him as he recounted how he had resorted to medication for stress and depression. It was only after Chanci was finally let go that Alex discovered he wasn’t alone in his struggles. I was intrigued to know how the other leaders in the company allowed such bullying to persist for so long.
“Well, it’s just the way it is. We all love the business and the people in it—we just have a few really strong personalities who think it’s acceptable to shout and belittle others. We learn to endure and take the blows…”
I find this mentality disturbing. It horrifies me to think that those in authority do not confront such behavior. It’s not about witch-hunts or identifying sociopaths or narcissists; it’s about acknowledging when something is wrong and taking action. Silence only empowers them, making their tactics more dangerous as they gain confidence in their ability to act without consequence.
Even small actions can yield significant results. Making an internal decision to say “no,” viewing the bully as a coward, maintaining a neutral expression, or simply walking away can all deflate their perceived power. Each of us has the ability to stand up, and when we unite with others, our strength multiplies. So, what holds us back?
Misinterpreting the Situation
When I posed this question to Alex, he replied, “After enduring emotional beatings for so long, I became accustomed to it and found ways to cope with the pain. I thought I must be wrong, misreading the situation, and I should just carry on. In hindsight, I see that the issues escalated when I ignored the first signs of trouble—I brushed it off, just like everyone else. It gave us a sense of unspoken camaraderie, surviving the storm together.”
But now he understands. He is eager to share his experiences so others can learn as well. I’m reminded of the saying, “We see things not as they are, but as we are.” Nice people often make excuses for the poor behavior of others, perhaps too willing to forgive, thinking the offender might just be having a bad day. While compassion is a virtue, we must also recalibrate our internal compass to respond to any wrongdoing, however minor it may seem. It’s not about casting blame but about asking questions.
The ongoing legal disputes regarding a book I’m writing highlight this struggle. Despite presenting ample evidence and changing names, locations, and relationships, the legal team suggests contacting the “offenders” for their approval. I find this absurd. Why would I expose myself again to those I know to be disordered? Such suggestions only reinforce my belief that the legal system has lost its way.
The Importance of Action
Who is the law protecting now? Where is the support for free speech? It seems easier for people like Alex to endure the abuse, shielding themselves from the harm caused by those well-versed in exploiting the system. Those who twist the law are often the same people who manipulate the compassionate among us. The default approach now is to anticipate what “they” might do rather than standing firm and saying, “Enough is enough.” Many professionals feel disheartened by this shift, powerless to effect change when common sense has given way to bureaucracy.
The more we remain silent or inactive, the more the cycle continues. There are too many professionals who, despite feeling frustrated, choose silence over speaking out. I recently came across a quote by Martin Luther King that encapsulates my message: “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
For me, my life is just beginning, and like many of you, my voice grows stronger each day. We know what exists out there.
With love and appreciation to all.
For further insights on dealing with sociopathy and narcissism, check out Out of the Fog, an excellent resource, and learn more about antisocial personality disorder.