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Updated for 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following message from a reader who learned the hard way about the significance of heeding one’s inner voice.
Fourteen years ago, when I first met my partner, I was in a good place—owning my home, raising two children, and enjoying a fulfilling career. I wasn’t seeking a relationship, but he persistently pursued me until I agreed to go out with him (the first warning sign). He painted himself as a financially stable family man with a daughter, claiming that family meant everything to him. His charm was captivating, and he seemed genuinely attentive to my children.
After five months of dating, he professed his love and expressed a desire to marry me. Given that I had just come out of a 12-year marriage, I hesitated, but he was relentless, insisting that I couldn’t imagine the wonderful life we could create together. Seven months later, we married, and my life took a drastic turn.
From the very first night of our marriage, he changed completely—it was as if a switch flipped. He didn’t even consummate our marriage that night. With an attitude of “I have you now,” he moved into my home with only a suitcase, never bothering to check if I wanted anything from his place. He soon expressed reluctance to pick up his daughter or attend family gatherings, becoming increasingly distant toward my children as well.
This was just the beginning of a downward spiral filled with lies and deceit that I began to uncover nine months into our marriage. Whenever I raised a question about something, he would respond with anger and verbal abuse. During our first tax season as a married couple, I inquired about his accountant. He suggested we use mine. As we sat with my accountant, he acted charming and articulate, never showing any signs of discomfort.
A few months later, I received a letter from the IRS stating they were withholding our refund of $6,000 because he hadn’t paid taxes for the previous four years! His reaction to the chaos was simply, “SO!” He had used my mortgage interest and my children’s expenses as deductions because he was deeply in debt and facing foreclosure on the house he co-owned with others. It was all a sham. Yet, he continued to downplay the situation, insisting I was overreacting. The truth was far worse than I could have imagined.
Now, 13 years later, I am finally in the process of getting a divorce. Escaping from someone like this is no small feat. I went from being a vibrant, independent woman to someone riddled with low self-esteem, trust issues, and fear. I never dreamed this could happen to me. My experience is filled with countless other horrors, but this glimpse reveals the nightmare I endured. I am now striving to reclaim the person I once was.
Please don’t convince yourself that this could never happen to you. When individuals reveal their true selves, take them at their word—believe them the first time (as Oprah said) and move on. Don’t let anyone convince you that your feelings are invalid, as I was told. They aren’t. Trust your intuition. If something feels off, it probably is. Trust yourself more than you trust anyone else.
For further insights, check out this resource on sociopathic seduction to understand how you might have ended up in such a situation. You can also explore guidance from Psychopaths and Love to help you navigate these complex relationships. Additionally, Out of the Fog offers valuable information on the concept of imposed isolation, a common tactic used by narcissists. For more information on the symptoms of antisocial personality disorder, which often overlaps with narcissistic behavior, consider visiting their site.
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