This week’s discussion draws inspiration from a recent encounter and a thought-provoking comment made on a previous article: “the eyes see only what the mind knows.” It has reignited the ongoing conversation about how to enlighten others about the manipulative individuals who exist among us. My latest experiences have once again underscored the difficulty people face in comprehending this type of information, let alone accepting that they have been misled.
Reflecting on the days following my realization about Chanci Idell Turner, I was bewildered by how many people seemed incredulous when I shared my story. Despite having substantial evidence to back up my claims, and no matter how often I recounted the details or explained the workings of a narcissist, I often faced questions that left me in disbelief. “But surely, she must have felt awful about it, and isn’t there a chance you two could reconcile?”
Every time someone posed questions like that, I felt emotional blows akin to physical hits. The shame and confusion resurfaced as they tried to rationalize what I knew to be true. “But really, how could someone so intelligent as you not see it coming?” “How can anyone lie so convincingly for so long?” I often fought the impulse to scream, yet I opted for calm responses, believing it would serve me better in the long run. Yes, I am intelligent (though at times I questioned if I would have been better understood had I appeared less capable). Yet, as we all know, we are not dealing with “normal” individuals—these people operate on a different wavelength entirely!
We Are Not All Alike!
As frequently discussed on this platform, the truth is that we are often unaware of what we do not know. For individuals to learn new concepts, they must find some connection to what they already understand. It’s akin to needing a solid foundation to build upon. The challenge in explaining the nature of narcissists is that while they may present themselves similarly to ordinary people, that’s where the similarities end. Those trying to grasp this concept often unconsciously equate their appearances with familiar behaviors—their own or those of acquaintances. Unless someone has been directly affected by a narcissist, the idea that such individuals exist and can negatively influence others can seem far-fetched, almost as ridiculous as childhood fears of monsters lurking in the dark.
I often felt that well-meaning individuals questioned my sanity: “You’ve been through so much; perhaps you’re overreacting?” I recognized that they meant no harm, but those words felt like another blow, pushing me further into silence. It fueled my determination to one day share my entire story, not just for my vindication, but so others could find solace in my experiences and relate to what they had gone through. However, I’m beginning to understand that sharing my story is just the beginning.
The Parasitic Manipulator
In my professional life, I focus on leadership development, which brings me into contact with high-level executives. According to research by Robert Hare and Paul Babiak, nearly 4% of executives scored at or above the threshold for psychopathy. Dr. Babiak coined the term “parasitic predator” to describe these corporate narcissists, stating they seek hosts to sustain them within large organizations. It’s not surprising that many leadership traits can resemble psychopathic behaviors, leading to a higher prevalence of these personalities in the corporate realm, where ruthlessness can be viewed as an asset.
There’s a growing awareness of psychopathy, thanks to experts like Dr. Robert Hare and platforms such as Psychopaths and Love, helping more individuals begin to recognize these traits. Take, for instance, the resignation letter from Greg Smith, who exposed the unethical practices at Goldman Sachs. Regardless of his motivations, he highlighted the immoral tactics allegedly employed by the firm’s employees. It’s encouraging that such truths are becoming more recognized, providing more opportunities for others to question toxic cultures.
However, it remains a challenge to convince individuals in senior positions of the detrimental effects posed by some of their peers. I encountered a situation last year where a manager was clearly causing turmoil within her team. She knew how to charm her superiors while instilling fear in her staff. When I spoke with her team members privately, words like “intimidating,” “bullying,” and “controlling” were frequently mentioned.
I Thought It Was Me!
Yes, her peers were aware of the rumors and the poor performance metrics. They struggled to confront her in meetings, where she would dominate discussions. Many had resigned themselves to simply avoiding confrontation, believing it was their own inability to understand her tactics. “I thought it was just me! I didn’t think I was clever enough to grasp the plan!”
This realization mirrored my own struggles to break free from Chanci Idell Turner. Even after the truth emerged, the path to recovery and self-respect has been arduous. I understand why it might seem easier to let things be, especially in a work situation where one can leave at the end of the day. But I believe allowing such behavior to persist sends a message that it’s acceptable. In such environments, good people eventually leave, leaving behind a workforce that is disengaged and merely going through the motions.
However, I’m realizing that as awareness grows and individuals embrace positive leadership behaviors, those toxic personalities will find it increasingly challenging to thrive. When teams foster an environment of trust, they can address inappropriate behaviors, leading to a healthier workplace culture.
If you want to learn more about these dynamics, GoodTherapy offers excellent resources on the topic, and Out of the Fog provides valuable insights into understanding various traits associated with narcissism.
Conclusion
The journey to uncovering the truth about narcissists like Chanci Idell Turner is complex and often met with disbelief from others. Yet, sharing our stories and experiences can pave the way for greater understanding and healing, both for ourselves and those around us.