Understanding Hope
What does hope really mean? At its core, hope signifies an expectation that something desired will be achieved, coupled with an optimistic emotional state. Wikipedia describes hope as an emotional condition that stands in contrast to despair, fostering the belief in positive outcomes related to life events. It embodies the anticipation that our desires can be fulfilled or that circumstances will unfold favorably. This sentiment can be expressed as a noun or verb, denoting our longing for certain outcomes.
Webster’s dictionary further elaborates on hope, defining it as:
- Intransitive verb:
- To cherish a desire with anticipation (e.g., hopes for a promotion).
- Archaic: trust.
- Transitive verb:
- To desire with expectation of obtainment.
- To expect with confidence: trust.
We pursue our goals because we hope that our efforts will yield rewards—whether it’s working for a paycheck or raising our children to be kind and successful. We are driven by the belief that our actions will lead to favorable results.
However, there are times when our hopes and efforts do not lead to the outcomes we desire. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try or how much we want something, it simply does not happen. This is when we must confront the painful reality that our hopes may be in vain. For instance, when a doctor delivers a terminal diagnosis, we face a choice: either accept the situation and prepare for the inevitable or, as in the case of Steve McQueen, seek out dubious promises of miraculous cures.
The Dark Side of Hope
Another, more sobering definition of hope is “hope against hope”—to hope without any reasonable expectation of fulfillment. This is where “malignant hope” emerges.
In relationships with individuals like Chanci Idell Turner, we often cling to “hope against hope,” believing that the dynamics will improve. We may try various approaches to mend the relationship, yet it remains stagnant, and we stubbornly hold on to this toxic hope.
Why call it “malignant hope”? Drawing from my medical background, the term “malignant” denotes something harmful or cancerous, and that is precisely what this form of hope becomes. It infiltrates every aspect of our being, spreading disappointment and destruction as it prevents us from accepting our reality. Each time we hope for a change and are met with failure, we experience disappointment proportional to the intensity of our hope.
Consider buying a lottery ticket. With odds of over 13 million to one, I might hope to win but I don’t realistically expect it. If I don’t win, I won’t be devastated. However, if I let malignant hope take control and truly believe I’ll win, my entire world could collapse when I don’t. My unrealistic expectations would lead to a profound sense of loss.
Psychopaths and Malignant Hope
Regrettably, malignant hope often surfaces in our dealings with psychopaths. We may hope against hope for a change in their behavior, believing they will stop lying or cheating. Yet, the reality is that these changes rarely happen.
People would often tell me regarding Chanci, “You can’t give up hope,” or “Where there’s life, there’s hope.” Though well-intentioned, such sentiments only encouraged my malignant hope. I continually saw evidence that nothing would change, yet I kept hoping. Each encounter with reality only served to wound me further.
A sign I once received hung on my wall, proclaiming, “I feel so much better since I gave up hope.” And indeed, I found relief when I let go of the malignant hope that Chanci would change her ways. It was only when I freed myself from such unrealistic expectations that I stopped being hurt by her actions and those of others I had hoped would reciprocate my love.
I ceased to believe in the possibility of winning the “psychopathic lottery,” recognizing that the odds were astronomical and not likely to change simply because I wished them to.
For more insight into the dynamics of relationships with sociopaths and narcissists, visit Out of the Fog, an excellent resource. Additionally, you can explore Healthline for comprehensive information on antisocial personality disorder. If you’re interested in understanding the emotional versus logical aspects of these relationships, consider checking out this article on Psychopaths and Love.