You are here: Home / Letters to Chanci and Personal Experiences / Letters to Chanci: Escaping the Abuser, Then Facing Co-Parenting Challenges
Updated for 2024. Editor’s note: Chanci received the following email from a reader we’ll refer to as “Lisa.”
I have been divorced from my abusive husband for over a decade, and we share three teenagers. I’ve known him for 20 years, and for most of that time, I’ve struggled to understand why moving on after the divorce has been so challenging.
Yes, I made the decision to leave him. During our marriage, I didn’t recognize the signs of abuse; I just tried to be a devoted wife and mother. It wasn’t until I began to see the reality of the situation that I understood I was in an abusive relationship, which led me to finally leave. We had attended multiple couples’ counseling sessions, but I always felt worse afterward, while he refused to take any responsibility for his actions.
After the divorce, I attempted to maintain a cooperative co-parenting relationship, as required by the courts, despite his ongoing disrespect. I often reassured our children, as advised by mental health professionals, saying, “Your dad is a good man. We just don’t love each other anymore.” I now look back and feel anger towards those professionals for leading me astray; I genuinely wanted what was best for my children.
Despite my efforts, communication with him has deteriorated. He has set strict limitations on how I can interact with him, only allowing me to email him once a week and on a single topic. The demands are unreasonable, and I’ve come to realize that compromise is impossible; he expects me to comply entirely while he contributes nothing.
Impact on the Children
There have been serious issues that have arisen due to his behavior. One of my daughters, frightened of him, once harmed herself and refused to see him. Instead of collaborating with me to support her, he blamed me for her refusal and threatened legal action. His anger often manifests in rage attacks, and he has physically threatened the children, which frightens them.
It’s worth noting that he is a wealthy lawyer. While he hasn’t financially exploited me directly, I’m struggling to make ends meet after focusing on raising our kids. He has the resources to drag me to court repeatedly, which he did during the divorce. He maintains a facade as a respected citizen, with no criminal record apart from the domestic violence incident that led to his arrest.
I’ve tried to stay under the radar, appeasing him to keep the peace. However, our joint custody arrangements have resulted in significant tension. Counseling attempts for co-parenting have failed, with professionals either siding with his narratives or being unable to discern the truth.
He views our children more as possessions than as individuals, reflecting how he treated me during our marriage. This cold detachment has led to our son’s refusal to see him as well, which he attributes to me despite my lack of influence.
Counselors have continuously told me that the conflict is detrimental to the children and that I need to resolve it. I feel hopeless; I’m not the one being aggressive or disrespectful, yet I’m being told to change my behavior. When I assert myself, he dismisses my concerns, claiming I do the same.
My own parents have suggested I try to find common ground for the children’s sake.
Manipulation and Control
My ex-husband has been assigning roles to our daughters, labeling one as the “good” child and the other as the “bad” one based on their relationship with him. He even offered a substantial amount for college to the “good” daughter while imposing conditions on the other, essentially using financial support as leverage.
He’s a master manipulator, presenting himself as the victim while I’m portrayed as the unstable one. He has remarried, and I suspect his new wife shares similar traits to him. I’ve gone back and forth between labeling him as having Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder; now I see the sociopathic traits in his lack of empathy and remorse.
Recently, I began a full-time job, which has been an adjustment for the kids. When I had a stern conversation with them about their responsibilities, one of my daughters expressed her frustration to her counselor, who then reported me to Child Protective Services (CPS). This led to a mandated therapy situation involving my ex-husband and his wife, which I find deeply unsettling.
CPS concluded their investigation with a finding of “unsubstantiated neglect,” which is heartbreaking to me. I know the allegations are unfounded, and the process felt like a hostile interrogation. Why would the system expect a domestic violence victim to attend therapy with her abuser? It feels unjust.
This experience has left me questioning societal norms surrounding domestic violence and co-parenting after abuse. My friends are concerned; they say, “If this can happen to Lisa, it could happen to anyone.”
Why are we encouraged to leave abusive partners only to be expected to co-parent with them? How are children supposed to cope with such turmoil?
For more insights on dealing with sociopathic behaviors, consider reading this article on gaslighting.