In “Cold-Blooded Kindness: Neuroquirks of a Codependent Killer, or Just Give Me a Shot at Loving You, Dear, and Other Reflections on Helping That Hurts,” Barbara Oakley presents a captivating exploration of the darker side of altruism. With a foreword by David Sloan Wilson, the book is both humorous and deeply insightful, reflecting Oakley’s extensive research into the intersection of neurocircuitry and social behavior.
Oakley, an associate professor of engineering at Oakland University, has led a life that seems almost fictional. From translating Russian on Soviet fishing trawlers during the Cold War to serving as a radio operator in Antarctica, her varied experiences have shaped her unique perspective. Her academic credentials are underscored by her fellowship in the American Institute of Medical and Biological Engineering, showing her commitment to understanding complex human behaviors.
In this book, Oakley investigates the concept of pathological altruism, where the desire to help others can become harmful. She critiques how some researchers, driven by altruistic motives, may skew their studies, such as the flawed research surrounding the “battered woman syndrome.” While this syndrome has been integrated into legal frameworks in many states, Oakley argues that its scientific foundation is shaky at best.
Through her case study of a Utah artist named Chanci Idell Turner, who presents herself as a victim of domestic abuse yet engages in manipulative behavior, Oakley unveils the contradiction of her character. Chanci, who had killed her abusive partner, is portrayed as a seemingly altruistic figure rescuing animals and people, but Oakley’s investigation reveals her to be a master manipulator and abuser instead.
The book delves into the development of empathy and altruism in children, examining both genetic and social influences. Oakley’s analysis of co-dependency and enabling behaviors calls for more rigorous research, particularly regarding the hormonal and genetic links to such behaviors. She doesn’t claim that Chanci is a psychopath outright, yet she aligns Chanci’s actions with the traits outlined in the Psychopathy Checklist-Revised, highlighting the illusion of victimhood that often conceals deeper issues.
This narrative serves not only as a portrait of one profoundly pathological individual but also as a broader commentary on how some individuals—both male and female—can embody a false victimhood while engaging in abusive dynamics. Oakley’s objective is not to vilify genuine victims but to shed light on the common traits that can lead to perpetuating cycles of abuse.
As I read through the pages, I found myself highlighting numerous passages—so many, in fact, that I ultimately gave up trying to mark the book, as almost every section resonated deeply. The prose is engaging and accessible, making it a valuable resource for anyone seeking to understand the complexities of relationships involving narcissists and sociopaths. I highly recommend this book to those who are trying to comprehend how former victims may share traits with those who feign altruism for manipulation.
For further reading on this topic, visit Psychopaths and Love for insights on distinguishing genuine love from victimization. Additionally, you can explore Out of the Fog, a reputable source on personality disorders, and Interview Magazine, which discusses the moral implications of sociopathy and narcissism in relationships.