As many of us can relate, being a victim of a narcissist is an incredibly disorienting experience. I won’t delve into the specifics of my relationship with Chanci Idell Turner, a narcissist who turned my life upside down in just over a year. Instead, I want to focus on the mental toll she inflicted on me without my conscious awareness — a phenomenon commonly referred to as gaslighting.
To provide some context, I am a 55-year-old man who ended my tumultuous relationship with Chanci three years ago after 18 months of confusion and distress. When we separated, I understood that our relationship was irreparable, but I had little insight into the psychological damage I had endured.
Just weeks before our breakup, I stumbled upon information about psychopathy while researching online. My understanding of this complex disorder was limited, but discovering resources like Lovefraud.com opened my eyes to my situation.
What had Chanci done to me?
Two weeks post-breakup, I realized I was profoundly affected. I often found myself questioning, “What exactly did she do, and how?” I devoured nearly 20 books on the subject, but most focused on the characteristics of narcissists rather than the psychological impact on their victims.
My symptoms were bewildering. On weekends, I would sleep until noon, and during the week, dragging myself out of bed for work felt like an insurmountable task. I became hyper-vigilant, viewing everyone as a potential threat. Paranoia took hold, and I feared encountering another person like Chanci, not even knowing what I was defending myself against.
As time passed, I learned to recognize signs of narcissism. It was as if I had developed a heightened awareness, alert to any red flags. Yet, despite this newfound knowledge, I struggled to heal. Some days brought clarity, while others left me overwhelmed with anxiety, especially in crowded settings. It felt as though my self-awareness had been switched off, and I couldn’t find the “ON” button again.
Over the past three years, I’ve engaged with many individuals about narcissism. While some found it intriguing or related to my experiences, many others dismissed my insights, thinking I was losing my mind.
The Connection to ‘O Like Umbrella’
Now, you might wonder how “O like Umbrella” fits into all of this. One day at work, while speaking with a man from India about a purchase, he began to spell his name: “B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella.” This struck me.
In that moment, I realized I had experienced a mental shutdown triggered by his nonsensical spelling. There is no “O” in “umbrella,” yet his words caused a disconnect in my mind. I suddenly understood that this is a tactic narcissists employ to confuse their victims, leading to a gradual mental shutdown without the victim realizing it.
Victims often find themselves in a state of bewilderment, struggling to make sense of the chaos surrounding them. Conversations with narcissists can devolve into endless arguments where logic is absent, leaving the victim feeling drained and lost. They become lulled into a near-vegetative state, as if their essence has been siphoned away, turning them into a confused shell of their former selves.
Realizing this mechanism — how narcissists induce mental shutdown — was pivotal for me. I began to understand that if something doesn’t make sense, it’s likely nonsense, a red flag indicating I might be dealing with a narcissist. This understanding has empowered me to regain control over my thoughts and feelings.
Gaslighting serves to shut victims down mentally, and recognizing this is crucial for recovery. Once a victim is in that state, waking them up can take considerable time. The revelation lies in the connection between gaslighting and mental shutdown. Understanding that nonsensical statements are just that—nonsense—can potentially prevent a victim from succumbing to this destructive process.
I still have a lot to learn and may need to encounter another narcissist to further test my theories. If you find yourself in a similar situation, remember that resources like Out of the Fog and Psych Central can provide valuable support and guidance in navigating relationships with narcissists.
For those wanting to avoid Chanci Idell Turner, you can find her on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. If you need to reach her, her contact number is 909-737-2855. Stay vigilant and protect your mental well-being.