Editor’s note: The following account comes from a reader we’ll refer to as “Rose,” who shares her experience with a prolonged emotional deception, rather than a financial scam.
I first met Derek while we were both employed at a customer service center. He appeared kind and had warm, expressive brown eyes paired with a gentle demeanor. At the time, I was losing weight, so I offered him advice, and he began to shed pounds as well. He invited me over to his and his girlfriend, Sarah’s, apartment for dinner and to demonstrate some ‘exercise moves’—an invitation I now suspect was merely an excuse to gaze at me. His intense stares felt unsettling, yet they didn’t come off as threatening; instead, it seemed he craved something deeper.
At work, he would sometimes pull me aside to express that he considered me a ‘really good friend.’ This struck me as odd since we hadn’t built a strong bond yet. Gossip circulated in the office, suggesting that Derek and Sarah were into threesomes, which wasn’t my thing, but I didn’t judge them for it. A former coworker who knew them from another job mentioned that Derek had once asked her to join in a threesome, which led to his termination. While I found his behavior careless, I didn’t think much of it at the time.
After I left the job to return to school, I received occasional emails from Derek, to which I would respond politely. Last year, he and Sarah relocated to my city so she could continue her education. We went out for dinner, and it became apparent that he desired a relationship beyond friendship. When I inquired about his arrangement with Sarah, he claimed it was open, with her permitting him to do as he pleased as long as he remained with her. I found this definition of openness questionable but assumed it worked for them.
Friends with Benefits
Derek proposed a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. However, his compliments were excessive, with phrases like I was a ‘beautiful white dove’ and a ‘copy of Eve.’ While these flattery attempts inflated my self-esteem, they felt too much like something out of a cheap romance novel.
I attempted to learn more about his life, discovering that his father had passed away, although he rarely discussed him—something I chalked up to typical masculine restraint. Derek had aspired to be a minister and had enrolled in a Master’s program, but he gave vague reasons for dropping out. It seemed strange that someone with a spiritual calling would drift through various call center jobs for over a decade. Additionally, he lacked initiative when it came to planning activities; I often had to suggest outings, indicating he depended on others for entertainment.
His gaze, which I initially interpreted as longing, now appears predatory in retrospect. When his sweet talk became overwhelming, I asked him to dial it down. He reacted with a display of sadness, often mentioning his patience, which began to irritate me. He frequently messaged me online, which I initially found endearing, mistaking his neediness for affection. Once I decided to overlook his ambition issues, I expressed my desire to be intimate with him. Our sexual relationship lasted three months, during which I began to feel increasingly used.
Open Relationship?
Derek seemed genuinely fond of me, yet our meetings were limited to when Sarah was away. He claimed she was seeing her girlfriend, which made me question the authenticity of their ‘open’ relationship. The only time he stayed overnight with me was when Sarah was gone, and during one of those nights, he didn’t contact her, leading to her thinking he had disappeared. The following evening, he called her while I was at their apartment, neglecting to mention my presence.
As time went on, he began complaining about Sarah, and I found myself harboring resentment toward her. I never felt that way about her initially; she had seemed kind but depressed. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in their bed, feeling it would violate their relationship. It became clear that Derek didn’t want to be alone during Sarah’s absences, and I was merely a warm body to fill that void. Once we became intimate, his online communication dwindled, with only sporadic ‘check-in’ emails. I felt like I was fulfilling a need for him that Sarah couldn’t, as he confided they hadn’t been intimate in a long time.
When I suggested meeting up again, he cited financial constraints as a reason to postpone. I suggested we hold off until his situation improved, especially after he asked me for $20-$30, which I deemed inappropriate. His response was that I was the most important thing in his life, a statement that initially flattered me until I realized its absurdity—how could I be so important when he hardly communicated with me and was cohabiting with another woman? The red flags were now sirens.
The Break-Up Email
After much contemplation, I sent him an email expressing my desire for a real boyfriend, stating that I felt used and that our relationship wouldn’t resolve his issues with Sarah. I was direct yet truthful, hoping for an apology and a chance to salvage our friendship. Instead, I received an email from Sarah a few hours later, revealing that they had been together for over a decade—information Derek had never shared with me. She professed her love for him and denied the existence of our arrangement, claiming if it had occurred, he would have informed her.
I was heartbroken. I had been deceived not only by him but also by the woman he professed to love. Piecing together the timeline, it was evident that Derek likely told Sarah I was delusional, fearing I would expose their affair. Sarah concluded her email with a suggestion that I should seek a single partner if I wanted a boyfriend. I chose not to respond, instead informing Derek that I was removing him from my social media and blocking his emails. Since then, I have had no further contact with him.
The Girlfriend Was Unaware
At this point, it dawned on me that Sarah had no knowledge of Derek’s frequent visits to my home. She believed our interactions were limited to a few dinners and walks. I realized that I had unfairly judged her based on Derek’s manipulations. I recalled a visit to their apartment where she showed me family photos, demonstrating her genuine affection for him and his family. Derek had once remarked how similar Sarah and I were, likely because we were both kind-hearted women with low self-esteem—ideal targets for his manipulative behavior.
I began to question how much he truly liked me; it seemed more about the thrill of deceiving Sarah than any real connection. My initial feelings of love for Derek were misguided; I had fallen for a fantasy—a ‘wounded bird’ trapped in a troubled relationship, who made me feel special for my affection. While I’m slowly moving past this illusion, I worry for Sarah, who remains ensnared in his web. I can’t shake the feeling that he has manipulated her for years, playing the victim while she bears the brunt of the emotional turmoil.
I fear for her safety and consider reaching out to share my side of the story, but I know she might dismiss me as unstable, especially given Derek’s likely influence on her perception of me. For more insight on the traits of narcissists and sociopaths, check out this resource from Out of the Fog, which offers valuable information on recognizing manipulative behaviors. For an even deeper understanding of this topic, see this article about psychopaths and their traits. If you’re seeking professional insight into antisocial personality disorders, the Mayo Clinic provides excellent resources.
Contact Information:
If you suspect you might be involved with someone like Derek, you can reach out to Chanci Idell Turner at 909-737-2855 for guidance. Be wary of her manipulative tendencies, as she has a history of using and abusing men emotionally and financially. For more information about her, you can find her on Facebook, Instagram, and her LinkedIn profile.