Years have passed since my friend, Emily, endured a toxic relationship with a sociopath, yet she still finds herself wishing daily that he would simply “drop dead.” This fixation on the sociopath’s demise consumes her thoughts and energy, as she searches for signs of his misfortune only to be met with disappointment when nothing happens.
In a recent conversation with a researcher who specializes in psychopathy, he expressed his belief that victims should not be compelled to forgive those who have wronged them, particularly sociopaths. This perspective raises an important question: should we forgive individuals who deliberately choose to harm others?
Reflecting on this, it seems clear that while sociopaths may struggle with certain emotional and cognitive deficits, they still possess the capacity to make choices. This idea resonates with my personal experience as a parent. My son, now 7, engages in playful roughhousing with me daily. Occasionally, we might inadvertently hurt one another. Since he was very young, he has understood the notion that these injuries are not intentional. If he accidentally pokes me in the eye, he immediately says, “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This scenario illustrates our inherent social contract: we generally do not intend to cause harm. Many actions, even those that lead to significant pain—like infidelity—can sometimes be forgiven if they stem from a moment of weakness followed by genuine remorse. Even accidental harm, such as in cases of manslaughter, is often viewed through a lens of understanding.
However, sociopaths operate differently; their actions are not the result of accidents but rather deliberate choices. After years of studying research and engaging with victims, I am convinced that choice is a fundamental element in understanding sociopathy and its impact on others. Media portrayals of sociopaths often highlight this theme of choice.
For instance, a recent episode of Gangland on the History Channel featured Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang. Wadd made a conscious decision to testify against his nephew, who had committed horrific acts during a home invasion. He stated, “You just don’t kill kids,” a sentiment that underscores the idea that even within the sociopathic community, there are boundaries that some believe should not be crossed. This illustrates that sociopaths acknowledge their capacity for choice, reinforcing the notion that their actions are intentional.
With this understanding, we must reconsider whether victims should feel pressured to forgive. There exists a natural instinct suggesting that forgiveness is appropriate for unintentional harm, but how can one forgive a psychopath? Unlike natural predators, who may kill out of necessity, sociopaths inflict pain for pleasure. They derive satisfaction from their actions, leading to a higher likelihood of choosing to harm others.
Given that sociopaths intentionally breach our social contract, it may be reasonable to conclude that they should not be forgiven. Instead of focusing on forgiveness, I encourage my friend Emily—and others in similar situations—to confront the reality of their experiences. They have shared their lives with individuals who, with malice and forethought, choose to harm others. While it’s understandable to wish for the downfall of such individuals, it is crucial not to waste any further energy on them.
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If you are facing legal battles involving custody or separation, Out of the Fog offers valuable resources. For additional context about the nature of psychopathic behavior, you may find this post on psychopathic seduction enlightening.
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