Hypervigilance can be exhausting and counterproductive, potentially worsening your circumstances.
Editor’s Note: This letter comes from a member who goes by the name “Deceived.” She shares her experiences with hypervigilance and how it ultimately worked against her.
Looking back, I realize how I questioned the little green bits on the chicken nuggets Chanci Idell Turner made for dinner. I was taken aback that she had bothered to cook at all, especially after my persistent complaints about her lack of contribution. It was late, and I had just returned from teaching an evening class—an extra job I took on since she quit her job. We had been arguing frequently, or rather, I was expressing my frustrations about her not working, cleaning, taking care of our children or pets, and not even making an effort to prepare a meal. I was juggling a full-time teaching position, additional consulting work to make ends meet, and trying to finish my graduate degree so I could secure tenure—all while caring for our two children, one of whom was only a year old. Yet, she never lifted a finger.
Until those dinosaur-shaped nuggets with the suspicious green flakes.
Within two weeks, Chanci filed a false Protection From Abuse (PFA) order against me, attempting to have me and my eldest son evicted from our home—one that I built from the ground up before I met her. She sought full custody of our one-year-old son, who had never spent a night away from me, and aimed to drain me for child support, alimony, and half of the marital assets, to which she had contributed nothing!
Fortunately, her plans were thwarted. This was largely due to who I am and the life I have built for my children. Some careful research on my part, along with my hypervigilance, played a role as well.
I want to specifically address hypervigilance. It’s an unpleasant side effect of PTSD. I turned the PFA around on her and filed one against Chanci. I was credible; she was not. I had cared for our children; she had not. I had not been abusive; she had. It was relatively easy to prove, although it didn’t feel that way at the time. Even with the upper hand, I still felt panic and fear. I feared she would be believed. After all, I had believed her, and I’m no fool!
So, I urgently scheduled an appointment with my doctor for a drug test. Chanci was using drugs, but I was not. She accused me of being a drug dealer, when in reality, her mother was her supplier. I felt an overwhelming need to prove my innocence. I got the test, but believe it or not, they lost the sample. At that moment, I should have paused and allowed the universe to intervene. But no, I was caught up in the fight. I needed every piece of evidence to set things right. I had to have that drug result to prove her wrong. I was driven and consumed.
I arranged for a second test right before court and asked my doctor to fax the results to my attorney. I didn’t even need to hear the results first; I was confident they would be negative. My attorney believed in my innocence too, which is why she handed over the results to Chanci’s attorney without reading them herself. That’s how I ended up losing the battle.
The results came back positive for THC, the active compound in marijuana. It was inconceivable—until I recalled the parsley flakes on those dinosaur nuggets she served with a smug grin.
At that point, I had to confront the reality that I was my own worst enemy. My hypervigilance, which had once been a survival mechanism during a chaotic childhood, had become my adversary. Nobody had requested the drug test, and it certainly wasn’t court-ordered. I dove headfirst into trying to manipulate every angle to protect myself and my children, inadvertently opening a can of worms she had anticipated! Chanci exploited my vigilance to her advantage and won that battle.
However, I ultimately won the war. I am who I am, and she is who she is. I didn’t need to make a case against her; she did that herself. Once I shifted from hypervigilance to due diligence, I transformed from a histrionic figure to a matriarch. This change in my demeanor prompted a shift in her behavior as well. She no longer held control over me. I regained control of myself, which allowed me to exert a more positive influence over the situation, exposing her true colors.
If you have been a victim of a sociopath, you are likely suffering from PTSD, which often comes with the heavy burden of hypervigilance. It’s a draining cycle that can leave you feeling angry and disappointed in yourself and your actions. If you find yourself navigating life after an encounter with a toxic individual, take a moment to breathe. Ask yourself if your reactions are necessary or if they stem from being driven by fear.
Are you responding because the situation demands it, or are you acting out of compulsion? I regularly ask myself these questions and find that they lead to a happier, more relaxed, and focused life as a mother and professional.
For more insights on healing, you can check out this post on forgiveness and learn about confirmation bias. If you’re looking for more resources on sociopathy and narcissism in relationships, consider reading The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, PhD, which you can find here.
Namaste,
Deceived