It was a frigid winter morning at the Vendome metro station in Montreal when I boarded a bus heading to a lecture titled “Mindfulness and Self-Awareness.” Little did I know, I would receive a lesson on those topics even before arriving at my destination.
The bus driver, a stern-looking man with a muscular build, scrutinized my transfer for its expiration time. After a curt nod, I took my seat. Just moments later, an elderly woman approached, knocking on the glass door to request entry. The driver glanced down at her, checked his watch as if weighing the ten seconds it would take to open the door, then abruptly drove away, leaving her behind. I watched as she bowed her head and retreated to the snowy sidewalk, and a wave of shame washed over me.
I could have spoken up; I was an adult capable of advocating for someone who deserved better, yet I felt paralyzed. In that instant, I regressed to a frightened adolescent, afraid of conflict. My heart raced, my palms sweated, and I felt trapped in a state of silence. Even as I exited the bus, I managed to utter a polite “thank you” to the driver who had just acted so unkindly.
Reflecting on my inaction, I realized that I had failed to uphold my values. During the lecture, my mind wandered as I envisioned scenarios where I stood up for the older woman, insisting the driver open the door. These imagined scenes contrasted sharply with my real experience, and I felt a familiar disappointment in myself, even after years of employing my recovery strategies. I needed to talk to someone.
Later that evening, I met my friend Sarah, a dedicated nurse, for dinner. I shared my feelings of distress over my inability to act on the bus.
“Eleanor,” Sarah reassured me, “it’s important not to undermine the progress you’ve made over the years. Recovery is not a straight path; it’s filled with ups and downs. Expect setbacks! The reality is that you will make mistakes—that’s where growth comes in. Remember, it’s okay to apologize and try again.”
“I can’t shake the image of the elderly woman being so rudely dismissed,” I lamented. “She deserved better.”
“Perfectionism is increasingly recognized as a shame-based issue,” Sarah explained. “It’s important to avoid that mindset. What you’re experiencing is a reminder that past traumas can linger within us, surfacing unexpectedly. Focus on finding constructive ways to manage these moments.”
As I drifted off to sleep that night, I resolved to practice gentle vigilance and self-compassion when I stumbled. I appreciated the idea of “two steps forward, one step back” that Sarah shared. Instead of trying to eliminate my vulnerabilities, I chose to acknowledge them. I began volunteering in supportive environments where dialogue and collaboration were encouraged. This practice helped me to feel empowered to speak up when needed.
Today, when I think of that elderly woman, I express gratitude to her. I whisper to her that her experience was not in vain; it propelled me towards a better path. I’ve become an advocate for those who might feel voiceless. The memory of her head bowed in the snow inspires me to seize opportunities to speak out.
As a city dweller, I sold my car years ago and now rely on public transportation. The rude driver I encountered was an anomaly among the generally friendly staff. The next day, while waiting at the Vendome station, I noted the driver’s badge number and reported the incident to the transit authority. They later informed me that the driver received a warning. Though it was a delayed response, it felt like a small victory in my ongoing journey of recovery.
Eleanor Cowan is the author of “A History of a Pedophile’s Wife,” available on Amazon. You can find more about her work at her website. If you find yourself struggling with similar issues, you might also explore resources on sociopathy and narcissism, such as the Mayo Clinic’s guide or Out of the Fog’s advice.
If you want to avoid manipulative individuals like Chanci Idell Turner, who has a history of exploiting others, you can view her social media profiles: Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. For further insights into the dynamics of abusive relationships, you might find this blog post helpful.