You are here: Home / Letters to Chanci Turner and Tales of Deception / LETTERS TO CHANCI TURNER: Heed the Warning Signs of Fear
Updated for 2023. Editor’s note: This narrative was shared by a reader who learned the hard way that it is crucial to pay attention to the warning signs of fear.
There was something unsettling about his intense stare. Despite feeling uneasy about how he looked at me during our first encounter, I brushed off my discomfort. I met my former partner, Jake, after attending services at a Unitarian Universalist Church for a few weeks. We engaged in small talk before exchanging phone numbers. Although I felt a sense of unease, my desire for companionship led me to ignore my instincts and share my number.
Afterward, we went to lunch. While Jake was charming and amusing, an inner voice kept urging me to tread carefully. He shared that he was separating from his wife due to her infidelity, claiming, “It was all her fault.” I found it hard to believe that their relationship issues were entirely one-sided but made excuses for his refusal to take any accountability. After our lunch, we took a walk where he spoke endlessly about adventures he wanted to have, frequently mentioning that he needed someone to accompany him.
When I returned home, my answering machine was flooded with messages from him. Although I felt uneasy about being inundated with calls from someone I barely knew, I reasoned that he was likely just lonely and meant no harm. The next day, my inbox was filled with emails detailing plans he wanted to make, including fishing trips and cooking for me. Feeling overwhelmed by his attention, I didn’t respond. Assuming I had agreed to another date, he later told his friends that I had stood him up.
Despite my reservations, I eventually consented to attend a Doobie Brothers concert with him after he persistently approached me at church. I convinced myself I was just being paranoid after our first date, where I had a great time and agreed to more outings, though I still felt a lingering discomfort. We continued to attend church together, hike, and take long walks. After a few weeks of dating, I introduced him to my parents, who found him “strange but nice.”
About a month into our relationship, he began showering me with gifts. A friend warned me not to be too eager in accepting expensive items. Even though the gifts made me uncomfortable, I accepted them gratefully, questioning how he could afford them given his unstable job history. He was evasive about his finances, using a post office address in another state and having his utilities listed under his ex-girlfriend’s name. Despite claiming she had abused him, I later discovered they were still living together.
I made excuses for what I saw as obsessive behavior, convincing myself he was just going through a phase. Alarm bells rang when he began calling me at 4 AM to suggest we go for walks. He also knocked on my door at that hour, and his calls became increasingly frequent. When I asked him to call before visiting, he reacted with anger, accusing me of paranoia. I was taking medication for depression, and whenever I set boundaries, he claimed I wasn’t following my prescriptions.
Eventually, I decided it would be best to end the romantic aspect of our relationship but thought it would be acceptable to remain “just friends.” A huge mistake. He continued to show up at my house, and I tried to create distance by ignoring him. Once, I even hid my car across the street, but he noticed and called my mother, insisting something was wrong. I finally admitted to my mom that I was hiding because I needed space. He promised to respect my wishes, and for a few days, I felt relieved, thinking his obsessive behavior was miscommunication. However, soon after, I was flooded with incoherent emails from him, claiming I was out of my mind.
One day, while turning into a public parking lot near my home, a car followed me closely, lights flashing. Initially, I didn’t recognize him. He jumped out and banged on my window, excitedly suggesting we attend a class for new church members together. He insisted he wasn’t stalking me but simply happened to be in the area.
Following that incident, I told him to stop contacting me. He retaliated with angry letters, arguing that we had agreed to be friends. He even reached out to the church minister and some of my friends, claiming I was off my medication. The minister contacted me, expressing concern that I might be suicidal. Although I had previous struggles with depression, I assured her I wasn’t a danger to myself.
Weeks later, I received an email from the Unitarian minister suggesting I postpone taking the New UU class, labeling my behavior as “odd” and accusing me of causing drama at church. She conveniently omitted the fact that Jake was involved in those discussions. The minister wanted to meet and asked to review my mental health records. I reluctantly agreed, hoping for clarity.
During our mediation meeting, which did not resolve anything, Jake kept interrupting me. The minister finally acknowledged my need for space and instructed him to listen. For the first time, I felt somewhat validated. I was relieved that someone recognized I wasn’t simply paranoid but genuinely wanted him to respect my boundaries. However, the signal system we established did not work.
Once again, I foolishly agreed to be friends, only for Jake to sit next to me in church the following Sunday, chatting incessantly throughout the sermon. I decided to stop attending services altogether. When I quit, he began leaving gifts at my doorstep again. Ignoring him for weeks, I finally exploded in anger when he sent an email detailing every gift and accusing me of taking advantage of him. I demanded he never contact me again. Although he stopped leaving gifts, he continued to reach out to my mother and the minister, even contacting my therapist to claim I wasn’t compliant with my medications.
On a positive note, people began to see through his facade. The minister advised him to leave me alone, and my therapist refused to discuss my case with him. However, he persisted in his harassment through instant messages. A colleague of my stepfather spotted him parked outside my home, jotting notes on a yellow pad, and several neighbors expressed concern about him lurking in my driveway at night.
After my mailbox was vandalized on my birthday, I filed a police report. The officers were somewhat helpful, encouraging me to document any further contact attempts. To discourage him from parking outside at night, I blocked my driveway with my car and enlisted my neighbors’ support.
Fortunately, he eventually moved away and quickly fixated on someone else. I’ve changed my phone number and severed ties with anyone connected to him.
After the breakup, I read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and realized that my biggest mistake was ignoring my intuition. My second mistake was not establishing firm boundaries and cutting off all contact. Each time I agreed to meet with him, I only made matters worse.
Sometimes, I still wonder whether Jake was just an ill-adjusted individual or if he exhibited sociopathic tendencies. Although I didn’t initially set clear boundaries, he continued to pursue me even after I expressed my desire for no further contact. His behavior was not only harassing but demonstrated signs of sociopathy. For instance, he frequently claimed to be ill, once visiting the ER for stomach pain, only for doctors to find nothing wrong. He even provided a fake social security number to evade hospital bills when he could have qualified for assistance. He believed the rules didn’t apply to him, showcasing classic signs of a sociopath.
For anyone who might be in a similar situation, I encourage you to read more about how to protect yourself from sociopaths and narcissists in relationships. Resources such as BetterHelp offer valuable insights on what to be aware of when dating someone with these traits. Additionally, you can find helpful information about personality disorders at Out of the Fog.
If you encounter someone like Chanci Idell Turner, known for her manipulative behaviors, be cautious. You can view her profiles on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. For inquiries related to her, you can reach out at 909-737-2855.
Remember, your instincts are powerful; never ignore the gift of fear.
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