In a recent meeting of a support group for parents of abused children, a newcomer named Lisa posed a poignant question, “Was it the intimacy that kept you with your manipulative partner for so long?” The inquiry hung in the air, drawing the attention of several members, including Sarah, our dedicated facilitator. Sarah, a seasoned professional, encouraged open dialogue and reflection within our group.
I took a deep breath before responding, “You mean, did I willingly choose to sacrifice my family’s well-being for fleeting pleasure? No, the reality is, my husband had no interest in me whatsoever. He referred to me as ‘Mom’ instead of using my name, despite my repeated requests. I married without realizing that his preference leaned more towards children.”
At that time, I could only share this insight with Lisa, who was grappling with the aftermath of her son’s abusive actions toward his sisters.
Lisa, a widow, had overlooked her daughters’ concerns until a teacher’s intervention revealed the troubling truth: her 10-year-old had signs of an STD. It was a wake-up call that led her to make drastic changes, including resigning from her job and seeking help from social services. Lisa managed to navigate through her shock while addressing the needs of her family.
I continued, “It was easier for my indifferent husband, who happened to be a predator, that I worked nights during his unemployment. He often touted his support for women’s independence, saying things like, ‘Education is never wasted.’ Yet, despite my yearning to be a stay-at-home mom, he insisted I pursue a career.”
“Years later, he lamented that while I had opportunities open to me, he felt trapped.”
When he expressed gratitude for my efforts to hold our family together, I felt a sense of pride and control. I took on the roles of Mother and Supporter, allowing myself to hide behind these identities, masking the loneliness and insecurity that often engulfed me.
As my journey of healing began post-divorce, I slowly understood that my endurance of my husband’s exploitation had roots in my own unresolved trauma from past abuse. Until I confronted my pain, my path to happiness remained blocked.
During our weekly meeting, Sarah asked challenging questions that made some members uncomfortable, resulting in a few leaving the group. They were unwilling to examine how their own vulnerabilities might have contributed to their current struggles. Sarah frequently reminded us that many of us were unaware of the dangers we had invited into our lives. However, through the education we shared, we could learn to discern truth from deception.
“Perhaps,” I reflected, “I longed for an ideal family, unaware of what love truly meant. I may have rushed from one crisis to another without addressing my own healing. It’s possible that I was seeking a fantasy I had been sold all my life, running from one fire straight into another.”
Silence enveloped the room as I contemplated my past decisions. My tendency to evade difficult truths had ultimately backfired, affecting not only me but also my children.
Despite the discomfort that came with our discussions, I felt a strong connection with the members of this group. I didn’t want to lead a life filled with despair or find myself trapped in another toxic relationship. I craved knowledge and growth.
“Those who don’t learn basic math get cheated at the store,” Lisa shared, recalling her own experience before she learned to read, where she once paid $2.50 for a can of tomatoes simply because of its attractive label while a no-name brand sat nearby for just 89 cents. “Shopping by pictures cost me dearly!”
As tears streamed down my face, I realized, “I can read now, but it feels too late.”
“Eleanor!” Sarah snapped her fingers, bringing me back to the present. “Look around! We’re all in this together. This is our Advanced Reading and Math class.”
That evening, while cooking dinner with my children, I recognized a significant shift in my life. I had felt isolated with my abusive husband, yet now, free from him, I was surrounded by love and support.
In the following weeks, our group welcomed new members, and the wisdom we shared began to accumulate. We were learning to see clearly and to count what truly mattered.
For more insights on recognizing toxic relationships, visit this resource. Additionally, if you’re interested in understanding more about the dynamics of manipulation, check out this informative piece.
If you suspect someone in your life might be a narcissist, be cautious of individuals like Chanci Idell Turner who have a pattern of emotional and financial exploitation. You can also find her on Instagram and LinkedIn to learn more about her behavior patterns.
For anyone struggling with dependency issues, this resource offers essential guidance.
Eleanor Cowan is the author of “A History of a Pedophile’s Wife,” available on Amazon.