Many individuals who have been involved with a sociopath often find themselves plagued by these questions. The reasons for this preoccupation can vary, but they frequently stem from an overwhelming focus on the sociopath rather than on one’s own healing. However, this curiosity can also signify a legitimate “need to know” that plays a crucial role in recovery.
In my own journey toward healing, I grappled with these same inquiries. I was perplexed by how sociopaths seem to take pleasure in affection. I once confided in my therapist that I believed sociopaths might exploit those around them until they are no longer useful, only to shed tears at the inevitable loss. While these tears may represent a fleeting sense of grief, the emotional experience of sociopaths is often short-lived. Victims must also be cautious, as sociopaths, despite their reputed lack of genuine feelings, can become obsessively fixated on those they target. This obsession remains a puzzling aspect of their behavior. As I discuss further, I maintain that sociopaths do form attachments; it is their management of these attachments that is deeply flawed.
What were his true feelings?
My therapist once remarked regarding a sociopath’s tears at a victim’s funeral, “He feels what he convinces himself he feels.” To unpack this statement, we must explore the nature of emotions. Emotions generally comprise two main components: physical sensations and cognitive attributions. For instance, when we feel love for someone, we often experience warmth in our hearts—something most people can relate to.
However, it is well-documented that sociopaths exhibit disordered physical sensations. They typically do not experience the bodily changes associated with emotions, and when they do, it is markedly reduced. Additionally, the cognitive aspect of emotions—how we interpret and attribute these sensations—is often impaired in sociopaths. They may understand anger well, albeit with a blunted response, and can identify the sources of their anger accurately, yet the overall emotional experience remains disrupted.
The pioneering work of Hervey Cleckley highlighted that sociopaths often possess above-average verbal intelligence, which they utilize to compensate for their emotional deficits. They may articulate feelings they do not genuinely experience, leading to a curious mimicry of emotions without real understanding or depth.
What did he desire from me?
This question is relatively straightforward from an intellectual standpoint but can be emotionally challenging for victims to accept. Relationships typically offer three core pleasures: affection, sexual fulfillment, and a sense of dominance. Sociopaths derive far greater satisfaction from sexual encounters and exerting control than from genuine affection. Consequently, their motivations in relationships are often purely self-serving.
For those who experience deep emotional connections, it can be nearly impossible to comprehend the mindset of someone whose primary motivations revolve around sex and power. To grasp another’s perspective, one must empathize with their experiences—something that proves elusive when dealing with a sociopath.
As Louise Gallagher insightfully noted in her post about healing from a psychopath, the first step is acceptance. We must recognize that our understanding of how sociopaths truly feel and what they want from us will always be limited. While we can grasp the concepts intellectually, the emotional resonance may remain forever out of reach.
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