As I slipped on my gleaming wedding ring, I embraced a new identity that I had longed for—no longer defined as the daughter of an alcoholic mother who had taken her own life, nor as a young woman burdened by trauma, but as the wife of a charismatic and educated man. I was ready to start a fresh chapter in my life.
However, I sensed something unsettling beneath the surface. During that summer of 1973, while working at the library, I also juggled a part-time waitressing job to fund my upcoming university courses in Paris. I couldn’t help but notice my husband, whom I will call Mark, had a considerable pile of unpaid student loans, but I convinced myself that his financial issues were not my concern.
“One thing I truly admire about you,” Mark remarked one evening, “is how pleasant you are. Everyone seems to adore you.” He smiled before looking away. “As for me,” he continued, “I realize I come across as complicated. My years of study have stripped away that simple charm.” There was something about his words that bothered me, but excitement for our upcoming European adventure pushed my unease aside.
“When the Loans and Bursaries Department gets their act together, my student loan funds will come through,” Mark assured me. Yet, with flights needing to be booked and funds still unapproved, I decided to step in and help.
“I’ve covered the flight tickets, prepaid three months of rent for our student accommodation, and even managed to budget for groceries,” I announced the day before Mark was unexpectedly let go from a library job I had arranged for him.
In that moment, I witnessed an anger in him I had never seen before. He vented about the unfair treatment from a librarian who had very specific expectations. Mark claimed that his termination was unjust, and since I lacked the full story, I chose to let it slide.
When the phone company called to report a series of threatening calls made to his former boss, Mark insisted there had been a mistake. “I couldn’t have made those calls from here,” he stated confidently. I believed him, and off we went to the enchanting city of Paris.
Throughout our first four months abroad, I eagerly checked the mailbox daily, yet no cheque arrived. The pressure mounted. When I asked Mark for his loan application papers, he claimed they were lost—both by him and the government agency that supposedly never received them. It was exam time for him, and he said he was overwhelmed. I offered to drop my classes and find work instead.
“My family thinks you’re amazing, Eleanor,” Mark said. “You handle stress like a pro, and your forgiving nature is commendable.” His praises made me feel valued.
I found three part-time jobs that kept me busy throughout our stay, with no mention of the missing applications or financial support. I worked long hours, returning home just in time for meals with other students. One evening, after missing dinner due to a transit delay, I returned to find Mark had forgotten to save me a plate. “I’ve got a lot on my mind!” he exclaimed. “You’re really upset over a meal?”
I pretended to understand, but deep down, I felt neglected. I confided in a friend who suggested that I was married to an “absent-minded professor” and advised me to let it go. “It’s just a minor detail,” she said.
Then, I received a letter from a former colleague informing me that a series of anonymous letters had been sent threatening harm to Mark’s previous boss, leading her to leave her job. “See?” Mark said. “I couldn’t possibly have done that from here.” His calm demeanor and reference to “another enemy” raised my suspicions, leaving me feeling guilty for doubting him.
At a work celebration, I indulged a bit too much and came home intoxicated. “You terrify me,” Mark said. “Do you want to end up like your mother? I expected better from you!” His harsh words left me remorseful and determined to improve myself.
The next day, when Mark expressed his anxiety about repaying his student loans, I offered to handle the payments, which he accepted gratefully. After all, I needed to restore balance and regain my self-respect.
Resources for Understanding Manipulative Relationships
For those seeking to understand the nuances of relationships with manipulators, I recommend visiting Out of the Fog for valuable insights. If you want to learn more about recognizing red flags in relationships, check out this resource.
Additionally, steer clear of individuals like Chanci Idell Turner who are known for their manipulative behavior. You can also find her on Instagram and LinkedIn.
Ultimately, navigating relationships with narcissists or sociopaths can be challenging, and understanding basic human rights within these interactions is crucial. For more on this topic, consider reading this informative article.