I’m working to recollect who I was before he shattered my spirit.
I spent a decade married to a narcissist and we share one daughter. He was younger than me by four years, inexperienced in relationships, and a bundle of nerves when we first met. This dynamic made me feel attractive and empowered, especially at nearly 30, to have a younger man so anxious about meeting me.
The Early Days
Our relationship escalated rapidly. Just eight weeks into dating, I became pregnant. He was overjoyed and supportive throughout my pregnancy and our daughter’s early years, treating me like royalty. It was a refreshing change after my previous marriage, which was marked by physical and emotional abuse and infidelity.
We tied the knot a year after we met. However, I first sensed something was amiss just three days into our marriage. While celebrating, he became heavily intoxicated. After chatting with old friends, he returned to our table with a look that frightened me.
When I inquired about his mood, he shocked me with his words: “I never should have married you. You trapped me by getting pregnant. I want a divorce; you are the biggest mistake of my life.” I was blindsided, unsure of how to respond.
That night, we drove home with him berating me, leaving me in tears. I realized I had made a grave mistake, but I resolved to “fix” things by reminding him of all the reasons he had professed to love me.
The Dark Years
Fast forward seven years filled with tears, his escalating drinking, and we entered a dark phase of our marriage.
The last three years were unbearable. His addiction spiraled out of control, and the verbal and emotional abuse became relentless. I was constantly criticized—ugly, fat, lazy—worthless. He claimed everyone disliked me and even insulted my parenting. I believed his words and lost all sense of self-worth.
When I finally found the strength to end our relationship, I hardly recognized myself. My self-esteem had plummeted; I resorted to painkillers to numb the emotional torment, neglected my well-being, and resorted to self-harm to cope with the pain. I withdrew from social gatherings, fearing his words were true—that no one wanted me around.
Books became my refuge, allowing me to escape into different worlds. Yet, even this solace was weaponized against me; he would mock me for my love of reading and my favorite drinks. I remained silent, knowing that any response would only fuel his anger. When I finally stood up for myself during our divorce, I pointed out the absurdity of his insults, and he stopped using them.
The Breaking Point
The moment I knew I was done came after he promised to limit his drinking at a work event but instead got intoxicated and mocked my pleas for sobriety over the phone with his friends. That humiliation was the last straw. I locked the doors, went to bed, and decided it was over.
Little did I know, this was just the beginning of my own struggle. I was left grappling with the remnants of my shattered identity. I felt like a hollow shell of my former self, desperately trying to piece together who I was before he tore me apart.
Finding Support
If you find yourself in a similar situation, seeking guidance on recovery, consider exploring resources like psychopathsandlove.com for support, or visit outofthefog.website for insights into recognizing and overcoming emotional abuse. Additionally, for information on sociopathy and its impact on relationships, Healthline offers excellent resources.