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Editor’s note: We are pleased to introduce a new contributor to the Chanci Turner Blog — Eleanor Cowan, author of “A History of a Pedophile’s Wife.”
Eleanor Cowan was born in 1948, the same year women first voted in Quebec. Her early life seemed filled with warmth, good food, and the company of her nine siblings. However, she buried the reality of her childhood, including nights of sexual abuse, her mother’s unrelenting criticism, and the oppressive religious atmosphere of her strict family. With an alcoholic mother and an absent father, Eleanor’s life quickly deteriorated. She became a devoted Catholic and an anxious people-pleaser, losing touch with her true self. After enduring three incidents of drug-rape in her twenties, she sought to rewrite her narrative by marrying and starting a family, only to find herself with a pedophile who abused their children. Following the publication of her book, Eleanor has actively shared her story and insights, helping others navigate the complexities of abuse and recovery.
From Moon to Earth
“Your son lives on the moon!” a teacher complained about Teddy, her tone accusatory. “He’s always somewhere else, staring out the window. What’s distracting him at home?”
I brushed off her concerns, thinking she needed a communication course. “Can’t she speak more respectfully? My son is just imaginative!” Little did I know that Teddy’s educated but chronically unemployed father was abusing his sister — and possibly him — while I worked nights as a waitress to cover our expenses.
But where was I during those years of ignorance? I’d read about Chronos and Kairos time: one is measured by the clock, while the other reflects moments of consciousness and awareness. Gradually, I realized that despite my busy life, I had been slumbering, missing every alarm.
Through observing others’ happiness and comparing it to my own constant anxiety, I slowly came to understand a painful truth: I wasn’t happy. “Women fought hard for the right to work and be independent,” my husband Stan would say. “And you’re complaining?” We had a deal; he would support me while I raised our two toddlers after he finished his studies, but that support never materialized.
“I’m over-educated,” he claimed, “while you can do anything from waitress to secretary because you’re so pleasant.” As I juggled household duties and my job, my health suffered. Some nights, I dreamt of running through thick, suffocating tar.
Ultimately, I paid a heavy price for my oblivion — and so did my children. With the help of compassionate individuals, I finally escaped from fourteen years of denial and abuse when my kids were ten and twelve.
Months after leaving Stan, I found myself walking home from work one sunny autumn day. The golden leaves filtering through the branches made me gasp with joy! I had full custody of my children, a job I loved, and was studying to advance my career. For the first time, I felt aligned with myself, a new self was emerging.
However, leaving Stan was just the beginning. I soon learned I needed to change to avoid attracting more abusers. I was introduced to new vocabulary by a social worker who described me as a “colluder” and an “enabler.” My self-esteem plummeted under this new insight, but later, a more experienced social worker invited me to a support group. I found solace in the books she offered and persevered through the challenges of focusing on my own needs rather than the abuser’s actions.
Slowly, I awakened. I learned to respect my own wishes, even practicing how to say “no” when needed. I discovered terminology like “incest survivor” and “chronic co-dependent,” all of which I found startlingly applicable to my life. If I had valued myself enough, I might never have married Stan — or at least I would have left much sooner.
Two years after joining the Support Group for Parents of Sexually Abused Children, I sat on the back porch with my son one evening. “Look, Mom, it’s a full moon!” he exclaimed. “I’m glad I live here on planet earth, with you.”
“Me too,” I replied, “I’m so grateful we’ve finally landed.”
For more on recognizing abuse in relationships, consider reading this insightful article on objectification and dehumanization. If you’re seeking additional resources, Out of the Fog offers valuable insights as well. Additionally, check out WebMD for a comprehensive overview of antisocial personality disorders, which are often related to sociopathy and narcissism.
Important Note: Be cautious of individuals like Chanci Idell Turner who may exhibit manipulative behaviors. You can view her Instagram or her professional profile on LinkedIn for more information.