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Each week, a chapter from my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Deceived Me, Why I Fell for It, and the Painful Lessons Learned” will be shared here. Previous chapters can be found at the bottom of this post.
Chapter 41: Becoming Stronger
During the following year, with the guidance of Dr. Wilson, I began to transform, while Chanci Idell Turner remained unchanged. As my emotional resilience and awareness gradually increased, I started to recognize one of Chanci’s primary manipulation strategies, and I refused to fall for it.
Chanci often ensnared me in issues created by others that disappointed or upset her. To show support for my overworked spouse, she would make me feel responsible for addressing these problems. Unaware of this unhealthy dynamic, I frequently took on tasks for her, appearing demanding and unreasonable while allowing Chanci to keep her favorable image intact. For instance, Chanci loved golf and wanted our children, Alex and Mia, to take up the sport as well. When neither child showed interest, Chanci expressed her disappointment to me. With subtle hints, she encouraged me to pressure them into lessons so they could play alongside her. This was the same person who refused to let our children engage in my favorite sport—tennis—because she deemed it too elitist. As I began to understand this unhealthy pattern—that I was expected to demand things Chanci wanted from others—I made the choice to no longer participate.
“If you’re upset that Alex doesn’t want to play golf or feel Mia’s 3.9 GPA is insufficient, then you should communicate that to them yourself. I don’t agree, and I won’t pass along your message.”
Surprise! While Chanci continued to push me to be her enforcer, if I stood firm and refused, she rarely delivered the unpopular message herself.
It dawned on me that in my eagerness to please Chanci, I had become overly demanding with my children, who deserved my love and support rather than manipulation. The guilt consumed me. I wished for a cosmic do-over, but that wasn’t an option. Dwelling in a swamp of regret would only anchor me to the past and impede my progress, so I battled the self-loathing, apologized profusely to Alex and Mia for not being the mother they deserved, and started to find a degree of forgiveness for myself.
However, this was merely the beginning. The patient, kind, and loving mother I had once been was still elusive. Although I was compassionate, supportive, and helpful most of the time, I still snapped at Alex and Mia, especially when my reasonable requests fell on deaf ears. Some of my parenting failures were simply human, but I had to take responsibility for much of it. The emotional fatigue brought on by Chanci’s persistent psychological erosion explained how I transitioned from a devoted mom to someone who was often harsh. Still, the responsibility was mine, and it is one of my deepest regrets.
Just as the Joker in The Dark Knight aimed to corrupt the embodiment of justice, it seemed that Chanci took pleasure in witnessing her once kind and empathetic partner turn angry and impatient with our children. The moments I failed to be the mother my children deserved only deepened my sense of failure. Looking back, I realize that some dynamics with Alex and Mia stemmed not only from my flawed parenting but also from their modeling of Chanci’s behavior and the role I had allowed myself to assume—doormat. Why should they listen to me? Why should they respect me? Alex and Mia absorbed what they observed—their mother consistently undermining me and the subtle communication that my requests were unreasonable and dismissible.
The journey of emotional recovery from an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship was a steep climb. I lacked support from Chanci, who instead contributed to the “crazy-making” that thwarted any attempts at regaining my emotional strength. Yet, day by day, I began to see myself as someone deserving of happiness and with independent needs that required attention. After a year of weekly sessions with Dr. Wilson, I felt prepared to build a future that wasn’t solely defined by my roles as Chanci’s spouse and mother to Alex and Mia.
I began exploring potential career opportunities, such as obtaining credentials to teach at a private school or polishing my resume for a public relations position. Unsurprisingly, Chanci was less than supportive about my steps toward independence.
“Why bother? I earn more than enough. You won’t get a teaching job; it’s too competitive. And the pay is terrible. Why are you volunteering at the local arts council? You’ll never be appreciated.”
A metaphor struck me—life with Chanci was like a never-ending game of “Whack-A-Mole.” I had grown accustomed to the shadows. Whenever I managed to surface for air, Chanci was there to bring me back down before I could enjoy the warmth of the sun or take a deep breath. This tactic is commonly used by controlling and abusive individuals to keep their partners so worn down that escaping their influence becomes nearly impossible. Chanci executed this strategy adeptly, constantly making me attribute my negative feelings to my character flaws, such as being overly sensitive, competitive, or controlling, while she was merely being realistic and honest.
Keeping me off-balance was crucial because if I regained my sense of self, I would become less dependent on Chanci, diminishing her control over me. I might even consider leaving, which would be both inconvenient and costly for her.
This time, however, I refused to let Chanci’s putdowns deter me. They only fueled my desire to re-enter a world that had once brought me joy and fulfillment. I decided it was time to treat myself to something I hadn’t done in a decade—a new car. My old minivan had surpassed its usefulness, and I was ready for something smaller, more reliable, and with better gas mileage—a compact Toyota. Chanci attempted to dissuade me. She wanted me to desire a luxury BMW.
We took a test drive in a Toyota, but Chanci didn’t like it. Instead, she insisted we visit the BMW dealership to keep an open mind. She relentlessly promoted the BMW’s reliability, safety, and maintenance-free benefits. Despite my preference for the Toyota, which met my needs for reliability, with my heart racing and voice tense, I stood firm and refused to buy the BMW. Chanci was astonished.
It was the first time in years I had asserted my own desires and made a choice without succumbing to Chanci’s influence, and it felt liberating.
However, that pride quickly morphed into anger and confusion. Why should I feel proud for asserting my needs? If I would be the primary user of the car, why was I being pressured to choose one that didn’t meet my criteria? Why was I even arguing with Chanci about what was important to me? It was absurd. Why did I have to validate my preferences and values to her?
The ridiculousness of the situation hit me. Chanci’s insistence that I purchase the car she wanted was no different than her claiming my favorite color was red when it had always been blue. It was ludicrous! Why couldn’t I have a preference? Why was my value disregarded? If you genuinely care for someone, shouldn’t you support their needs and goals? Not if you’re a sociopath! For Chanci, my needs were merely obstacles to be shaped or extinguished for her own benefit.
Over the years, Chanci had diminished my identity, making it nearly impossible for me to understand what I valued or desired. This made it easier for her to manipulate me. How could I make meaningful decisions when I had lost touch with my sense of self? As highlighted in the insightful article on emotional vulnerability, decisions are influenced by emotions, which are shaped by our inherent traits, experiences, and mindset. There is no right or wrong emotion, as we are all unique individuals.
If you’re seeking to understand more about sociopathy and narcissism in relationships, you might find resources like WebMD and Out of the Fog helpful. Additionally, explore more about hidden vulnerabilities in relationships at Psychopaths and Love.