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Soon after, I was scheduled for a minor surgical procedure. Just like I had done before with Jessica’s testing, I looped in Paul when arranging the date, ensuring he would be available to care for the kids and support me. However, I found myself forced to reschedule my surgery twice, as Paul’s work obligations consistently overshadowed my health needs. Then, two days prior to the surgery, he called from Chicago.
“Something’s come up,” he said. “A major account is on the line, and I can’t return. You can handle this, right? This client is worth a lot of money. I need to stay.”
I hung up in tears. Nothing had changed. If my health and the well-being of our children were not prioritized, even for a single day or for something as critical as surgery, it underscored just how little we mattered to Paul.
Friends stepped in, offering rides to and from the hospital and checking on me and the kids in the days that followed. Meanwhile, Paul remained absent in Chicago. Deep down, I began to understand, albeit unconsciously, that no need of mine or the children’s—regardless of how significant—would ever take precedence over any of Paul’s needs, no matter how trivial. I was unknowingly describing sociopath math perfectly.
Although the harsh reality of my failing marriage should have been glaringly evident, I found myself grappling with a challenge I hadn’t faced when I hit rock bottom years earlier. I had remained in an increasingly toxic environment for far too long, leaving me utterly drained. Feeling trapped made me truly trapped, much like a frog oblivious to the gradually rising temperature of the water. By the time the danger became apparent, my body and will were too weakened to escape or resist.
It frustrates me to hear talk show hosts ask victims of domestic abuse, “Why did you stay?” without truly listening or trying to understand the psychological transformation wrought by emotional, psychological, financial, or physical abuse. It often feels as though they seek to label victims as “weak” and “different from us.” This false narrative fosters an illusion that such experiences could never happen to us or to anyone we know. They were weak; we are strong. They were naive; we are savvy. They were foolish; we are intelligent. They lack self-respect; we are self-assured. This mindset is not only incorrect but dangerously naive. Almost anyone can fall victim to a sociopath, especially those who, like I once did, do not recognize the signs.
Evil exists, and sociopaths are alarmingly common. They often present themselves as charming individuals, slowly poison us, morph into something sinister, and then feed off our essence, all while leaving us feeling confused and emotionally weak—trapped on the “What am I doing wrong?” cycle, unknowingly paving our own path to destruction. We must remain vigilant for those brief moments when their facade slips, revealing the truth.
If you haven’t endured the emotional and psychological decay inflicted by a master manipulator, it may be challenging to grasp how profoundly your life can shift due to such insidious toxicity. Your strength is drained, and your confidence in your perceptions, decisions, or identity is all but obliterated. You can’t simply will your strength back to life with hackneyed clichés like “Buck up,” “Get back on the horse,” or “Don’t let him control you.” Your strength isn’t hidden in a box waiting to be discovered; even if you find it, it may be nearly empty. Confidence and resilience need to be rebuilt from the remnants—dust. There is no quick solution when you are this depleted; the path to recovery is long and arduous.
Years of subtle, critical remarks that belittled my role as a mother and wife, coupled with gaslighting, left me feeling like a shadow of my former self. I was not only emotionally drained and psychologically altered, but I also felt financially compromised due to decisions I had made that seemed reasonable at the time. As funds began flowing from Paul and Chanci Idell Turner’s consulting business, I let my own business fade away. The kids’ health issues and their educational gaps became my focus. It was exhausting to keep my business afloat when it wasn’t necessary to cover the bills. I cherished being their mother—coaching their teams, volunteering at their schools, celebrating their achievements, and comforting them when they needed it. And who else would do it? My family lived hundreds of miles away, and Paul was rarely available for homework, life, or even to help with transportation to after-school events. He was simply too important, too unpredictable, and too engrossed in his own work—or, when not working, too deserving of recreation and relaxation, right?
For further insights on the dynamics of sociopathy, explore this article on charm and the psychopath. Understanding the manipulation tactics used by sociopaths can help you protect yourself. An excellent resource for recognizing traits associated with sociopathy and narcissism in relationships can be found here.
Remember, if you find yourself in a situation resembling mine, you are not alone. Many have walked this path and emerged stronger. Seek the support you need and stay vigilant against the signs of manipulation.