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Editor’s note: The following account comes from a reader who goes by the pseudonym “Catherine.”
I refuse to relinquish my strength. You’ve taken enough from me already.
Let me provide some context. I’m a dedicated nurse and a proud American, having spent over 20 years working in the field of developmental disabilities in California. This state stands out for its commitment to advocating for individuals with disabilities, primarily due to the passage of the Lanterman Act in 1969. This legislation asserts that people with developmental disabilities have the same legal rights as everyone else, empowering regional centers to uphold these rights. For over two decades, I’ve devoted my career to advocating for those whose rights are consistently overlooked.
Before the Lanterman Act, many families were told that their disabled children had to be institutionalized, with no hope for their future. They were misled by supposed “experts” who deemed their children as burdens. These families endured unimaginable suffering, leading to courageous action that ultimately changed the system for future generations.
Now, you may wonder what this has to do with my battle against a narcissist and sociopath. Here’s where my personal story begins. I’ve experienced the textbook case of manipulation and abuse. I sought help to pull myself from despair and reclaim my sanity. I’ve learned about terms like gaslighting, triangulation, and the significance of no contact. I’ve read numerous books, including Psychopath Free and When Love Is a Lie, and found resources like Psychopaths and Love invaluable.
I’ve implemented no contact, yet I’m confronted with an internal struggle. It’s not about the lack of closure or recognizing that this individual will never change. What troubles me is my commitment to advocating for those who can’t advocate for themselves, particularly when the system designed to protect us fails so profoundly. Every resource I come across warns that the system often lets victims down. Accepting this failure is deeply upsetting and unacceptable to me.
Some may suggest I’m seeking revenge or harboring ill intentions. Perhaps there’s some truth to that, but I view it differently. I see myself as akin to those families who fought for justice in 1969. I desire fairness, validation, and acknowledgment that the actions of my abuser—someone who wears a badge and hides behind a blue wall—are wrong and should not be tolerated.
My abuser has exploited technology to invade my privacy, hacking into my devices and controlling my vehicle’s functionality. Imagine the terror of realizing your child is late, fearing the worst, as you grapple with this man’s manipulation. I have received advice to change my devices and contact law enforcement, but as a professional in my field, I know how ineffective these solutions can be.
Living without technology today is nearly impossible. Even when I attempted to escape to a remote village in Alaska, technology found its way back to me.
The key point I want to convey is this: don’t confuse the desire for justice with the pursuit of revenge. No contact doesn’t mean you have to relinquish your rights. I was mistaken in thinking that it did. I’ve realized that I can protect my well-being while still advocating for justice. Those families in 1969 weren’t afraid to challenge authority, and I refuse to live in fear as well. I will not allow this individual to further violate my rights. I will continue to fight for my legal and moral rights until my last breath.
“Revenge is an act of vindictiveness; justice is an act of vindication. Seeking justice is noble, while revenge rooted in hatred can consume your soul.” – James Mace
With hope and determination,
Catherine
For further reading on dealing with manipulative relationships, visit Out of the Fog. For those dating sociopaths, BetterHelp offers excellent insights on what to watch out for.