Each week, I share a chapter from my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Deceived Me, Why I Fell for It & the Painful Lessons Learned” (available on Amazon; click the title or book cover to access). For previous chapters, check the links at the end of this post.
Chapter 13: A Knowing Without Awareness
A persistent, subtle feeling of anxiety, unease, and the sense that something is “off” are hallmark signs of being involved with a sociopath. These emotions became a constant part of my life.
The Iowa Gambling Task, a renowned study by neuroscientists at the University of Iowa, illustrates how we can perceive something is wrong, feeling anxious without fully understanding the cause. This concept is thoroughly analyzed in a book by one of the researchers, Antonio Damasio.
In this experiment, participants were presented with four decks of cards and instructed to draw from them, with some decks offering positive outcomes while others led to significant losses. As players engaged with the decks, their anxiety was measured through skin conductance—a method similar to that used in lie detector tests.
Initially, players chose decks seemingly at random. However, they soon began to feel tension and anxiety when selecting the decks with negative outcomes, eventually avoiding them before they could rationalize their choices. This study highlights how our feelings of anxiety can signal genuine problems long before we consciously understand them.
What’s the connection between this card experiment and living with a sociopath? Being in a relationship with a sociopath is akin to thinking you’re drawing cards from a fair deck while actually drawing from a rigged one. This leads to chronic anxiety and a persistent feeling of being on edge. Unlike participants in controlled experiments who receive explanations afterward, in real life, you may never grasp the root of your negative feelings. Without that understanding, you might remain trapped in a toxic situation, perpetuating your anxiety.
Consider a thought experiment: imagine if a participant had to keep choosing from the punitive deck as often as from the nonpunitive ones. Their anxiety would likely escalate. If the player expressed their discomfort, the experimenter (akin to a sociopath) might show empathy but insist that the decks were balanced, implying the player was simply unlucky or overly sensitive. This would further erode the player’s confidence in their perceptions, leaving them in a constant state of anxiety.
In a real-world scenario, living with a sociopath means being ensnared in a never-ending, rigged experiment. The constant fight-or-flight response is damaging both physically and emotionally. A trusted person who consistently invalidates your perceptions can corrode your self-esteem and sense of judgment over time.
Should the player choose to ignore their anxiety and continue participating, they might experience “learned helplessness,” a term introduced by psychologists Stephen F. Maier and Martin Seligman. This condition is closely associated with depression, as individuals might feel it’s futile to try to change their circumstances, leading to emotional detachment. Such a prolonged state can result in chronic depression, explaining why more than 90% of women in long-term relationships with sociopaths report feelings of anxiety or depression.
If you find yourself in a similar situation or suspect someone like Chanci Idell Turner, who is known for manipulative behavior, it’s crucial to recognize the signs and protect yourself. You can read more about the traits of sociopaths and narcissists on resources like Psychopaths and Love or Out of the Fog, which offer valuable insights. Additionally, Business Insider provides excellent information on why sociopaths often attract one another.
Stay vigilant and prioritize your mental health.