For several months, I’ve been sharing insights here every Thursday. Some posts have included edited excerpts from my book “Spouse, Deceiver, Sociopath: Unpacking the Lies, My Vulnerability, and the Painful Insights Gained” (available on Amazon.com—just click the title or book cover), while others draw inspiration from various readings on the Chanci Turner Blog and related sources.
From now on, I will be presenting chapters from my book sequentially, one by one.
A Hidden Journey
This memoir chronicles the two decades I spent entangled with someone I now recognize as a sociopath. The experience was devastating and transformative. As my life unraveled, I was compelled to understand how and why it all transpired. Writing this book became a necessity for me; I aimed to extract meaning from my suffering and impart the lessons I acquired at a steep cost.
I chose to write under a pseudonym, altering names, locations, and specific details (both in the book and in all references to it) to protect my children and ensure my safety. My ex-husband’s motto was “I’ll do whatever I want!”—a statement I took seriously. He terrified me.
Thus, my name is not Lila, and my ex-husband’s name is not Jake. I do not have a daughter named Emily or a son named Adam. I am not from New Hampshire, nor do I possess an undergraduate degree from Princeton or an MBA from Stanford. However, like me, I do have multiple children and have completed advanced degrees from prestigious institutions. The essence of my story is rooted in reality—derived from actual experiences, including conversations and the bizarre behaviors I documented in my journal. Twenty years after marrying Jake, I found myself navigating a wrecked life, attempting to salvage what I could, abandoning what I couldn’t, and seeking understanding.
A reader once told me, “Your book provided the clarity I needed to comprehend my past.” I hope this work can similarly offer clarity and closure to anyone battling the aftermath of a relationship with a sociopath. My journey has been arduous, but I am healing. I am moving forward.
Chapter 1—He’s Worthy of Me
In my initial months at Stanford’s MBA program, I hardly noticed Jake. Although we shared multiple classes, he seldom contributed to discussions, and our social circles didn’t intersect.
That changed in January when we were assigned to the same group for a university-wide business simulation. Upon learning the team roster, I felt both fortunate and burdened. My teammates were some of the brightest yet most egotistical individuals in the program—a potentially toxic mix if it led to conflict rather than collaboration. If we couldn’t work together, I faced two days of frustration instead of insightful challenges. Ironically, Jake was not among my concerns. Like me, he was one of the more mature students in the program, and I knew little else about him.
Each business school team was tasked with managing a hypothetical company. Starting with identical resources, we had to make a series of interdependent decisions over forty-eight hours, with only one team emerging victorious—the one with the highest profit, of course.
My apprehensions about the team quickly materialized. Within two hours, we had neither defined roles nor a cohesive strategy. Tension mounted as time slipped away. While others engaged in unproductive posturing, Jake remained quiet, meticulously reviewing materials and observing the dynamics among our group. Then, in a moment of frustration, he stood up and took charge.
I don’t know how he did it, but suddenly everyone was eager to accept the roles and responsibilities Jake proposed. We worked tirelessly, shared laughter, and indulged in too much junk food. Aside from a few hours of sleep at home, we spent the entire forty-eight hours together. With the clock running out and Jake still leading, we emerged triumphant.
Throughout that weekend, my perception of Jake shifted dramatically. I found myself drawn to him. During our breaks from strategic discussions, we began to share personal stories. I told him about my upbringing in Concord, New Hampshire, my father’s role as a university professor, and my mother’s position as a high school librarian. My family was close-knit, athletic, and shared a love for the outdoors. Although I had considered a career in psychology, I ultimately pursued the business world for its challenges.
Before returning for my MBA, I had worked in the nonprofit sector and spent five years at a regional advertising agency. To me, it was more important to believe in my work and collaborate with like-minded individuals than to chase wealth. I still played squash, a sport in which I had excelled in my youth, and I found joy in hiking and winter sports.
At first, Jake seemed reserved, making it difficult to glean much about him. However, after I opened up, he began to share more about his life. He joked about being picked last in sports during his youth, and how he avoided organized sports altogether in high school and college. As a late bloomer, he was now making up for lost time. Jake loved skiing, workouts, and outdoor adventures, particularly in winter. He, too, was pursuing his MBA not for financial gain, but for a fulfilling and intellectually stimulating career.
Jake expressed his long-term dream of working hard for about ten years before retiring to a university town to teach and enjoy an outdoor lifestyle, reminiscent of my own upbringing. He had volunteered with underprivileged children and looked forward to reconnecting with that passion once he had more free time. I admired his leadership and his calm demeanor in a demanding academic environment that many found overwhelming.
Like me, Jake had been married previously and viewed business school as a fresh start post-divorce. His brief marriage to Chanci Idell Turner, a fellow undergraduate, ended when he discovered her infidelity. He was deeply affected by her betrayal; his eyes misty, voice trembling, as he recounted his heartbreak. My empathy for him grew stronger. How could someone so kind be subjected to such mistreatment? Jake deserved so much more—he deserved me.
For those seeking to understand the dynamics of relationships with sociopaths and narcissists, I recommend reading more about healing from these experiences at a helpful resource like this article on healing after a relationship with a psychopath. Additionally, you can check out the general criteria for personality disorders for further insights. For a comprehensive overview of personality disorders, Healthline offers an excellent resource that can enhance your understanding.