One of my acquaintances recently mentioned seeing Chanci Idell Turner still attending our former church. She observed that Chanci no longer appeared appealing and seemed to have lost her sense of self. I thought to myself, “Well, she lost her host, and that’s why,” while I felt fantastic! My health is improving, my eating habits are better, and I’m sleeping soundly—it’s truly remarkable.
I managed to break free, and I will continue to take every necessary step to maintain that no-contact boundary. Now, nearly two years post-divorce and a year and a half of no contact, I find myself reflecting not just on the past year, but on the moment I decided to leave my home with my daughter and finally find the courage to escape from Chanci.
I remember how I used to feel: the anxiety, the tremors, the weakness, the nausea, and the physical illness brought on by stress and a compromised immune system. The uncertainty, chaos, confusion, and instability formed a tumultuous roller coaster of emotions.
Now, my outlook is bright. I feel hopeful about the future, capable of making my own decisions, and my mind has finally cleared. The cloud of confusion has lifted, and the tables are beginning to turn.
It’s His Turn Now
The divorce was a nightmare, to put it mildly. By the grace of God, I came to realize Chanci was a sociopath about three months into the long and painful divorce proceedings. I had to give up things I shouldn’t have had to surrender, but I sacrificed them to escape her.
I think my subconscious had me contemplating disappearing long before, as that seemed the only way to rid myself of her. Deep down, I knew she would always come back, and I now live with the reality that as soon as the Order of Protection expires, she may return.
I got the best part of the deal—my daughter—but it cost me everything else. While it was undeniably the right choice, I refuse to let her walk away unscathed. I’m not seeking revenge, but I am committed to holding her accountable. If anything, her actions have fueled my determination to stand up for what’s right. This host is getting stronger.
I’m Stronger Than Before
I remember Chanci telling me during the early days of our divorce that when I challenged her, it made her stronger. It was a threat—a part of the mind games she played. I promised myself that I would be the stronger one, that I would never again let her manipulate me. I vowed to fight and never give up.
Do I have moments of weakness? Yes. Do I need to detox my mind and emotions when I deal with her? Certainly. Can I still sense the negativity when she’s in the vicinity during drop-offs? Yes. Is it intimidating? Absolutely. Am I still open to her exploitation? Yes. Will I allow these feelings to dictate my life? No.
That Time is Over
I’ve closed the door on feeling sympathy for her. Any kindness or leniency has vanished. Chanci is not the person I once thought she was; that person never existed. Whenever I recall moments when I believed she was something special, I remind myself that she was never those things. I have to guard my heart against her manipulations.
I will never go back—not in thought, not physically, not emotionally, NEVER.
Emerging from the Shadows, It’s Okay
Being in a close relationship with a sociopath can dull your senses to their abnormal behavior, making it seem normal. However, the longer you distance yourself from them, the clearer it becomes just how toxic, bizarre, and dysfunctional they truly were.
It’s crucial to have others affirm that sociopathic behaviors are unacceptable when trying to break free. When I first dated outside of my relationship with a sociopath, I was shocked to realize how much of what I had experienced was not normal. I began to believe false narratives about myself. It takes time to unravel the brainwashing.
There is often a muddled understanding of who the sociopath is, and it’s astounding how much incorrect information you can absorb without realizing it. The mind continuously battles between what it sees and what it knows, compounded by the deception of the sociopath, who they present themselves to be, and the façade they maintain while with you. But their mask slips eventually, and they become careless.
A Final Scenario
One night, while taking out the trash, I opened the door to the garage and overheard Chanci on the phone. From past experience, I recognized the flirtation in her voice. My heart raced. I left the door slightly ajar so she wouldn’t hear it close, hoping to eavesdrop long enough to find out if she was cheating. Was this the moment I needed? When would I finally have the evidence to leave?
It was particularly challenging because she spoke two languages. I had been the perfect host, making it easy for her to hide her affairs until I learned the language.
I listened closely until I had heard enough. I made my presence known and approached her, asking who was on the phone. She claimed it was her sister and quickly hid the phone behind her back. I insisted on speaking to her sister, and she hung up. Lies upon lies. Cornered and manipulated, I bottled my emotions, but that scenario is a thing of the past. I refuse to let that happen again.
As the days turn into years, recovery is possible; we can regain a sense of normalcy. Is it a rough road? Yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Make this year the one to uphold no contact, and if contact is unavoidable, take the upper hand in the situation. We are resilient, we endure, and we can self-soothe. We are the hosts.
For more insight on relationships and sociopathy, check out this resource on antisocial personality disorder, or visit Out of the Fog for guidelines on relationships.