You might suspect your partner is cheating, or you could even be the other woman. Yet, despite knowing the truth, letting go seems impossible. When you find out he’s being unfaithful, friends may urge you to move on, but your desire for him remains. This intense attraction might not be genuine love but rather an addiction. Reflect honestly on whether you experience any of the following:
- You challenge him about suspicious calls from other women, and although his excuses are weak, you accept them anyway.
- He blames you for his infidelity, and you find yourself agreeing with his claims.
- You keep convincing yourself that by being more loving, patient, or attractive, he will choose you over anyone else.
- You apologize for things you never did or said.
- Time and again, you declare it’s over, only to reach out, pleading for him to take you back.
- You go to great lengths to prove that you’re superior to the other woman (or women).
- You bend over backwards to help him, even when he mistreats you.
- When friends or family express concern about his behavior, you find excuses for him.
- You obsessively check up on him, both in real life and online.
- He assures you that this time things will change and that he’ll end it with her. You convince yourself to believe him—yet again.
So, how did you end up in this situation? It’s crucial to recognize that all romantic love can be addictive. As Dr. Helen E. Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University, explains, both love and addiction share similar patterns: intense focus on your reward, mood swings, cravings, obsession, and a loss of self-control.
While romantic love can be a positive addiction when reciprocated, unreturned love can be quite destructive. Dr. Fisher notes that the initial reaction to rejection often involves “protest,” leading you to obsessively pursue your partner, sometimes even feeling more passionately in love than before. This is due to the psychological bond formed during the relationship’s early stages, fueled by the euphoric feelings of a new romance.
When infidelity is introduced, feelings of anger may arise, but so can fear and anxiety about losing the relationship. Surprisingly, these feelings can strengthen your bond with him. According to Dr. Liane Leedom, a counselor and psychology professor, fear and anxiety can deepen your connection, leading to a damaging cycle of infidelity and reconciliation.
This cycle may result in a “trauma bond,” wherein you feel compelled to maintain the relationship despite its negative consequences. Dr. Patrick J. Carnes, in his book The Betrayal Bond, describes these bonds as addictive, leading to obsession.
If you recognize yourself in this description, you likely understand that your relationship is unhealthy. The first step is to treat it as an addiction. To heal, you must break all contact with him, which can be challenging. Take it one day at a time, just as one would in a 12-step program. If you need assistance, consider seeking help from professionals.
For further insights on recognizing unhealthy relationships, check out this resource on sociopaths and learn more about narcissistic mothers. If you find yourself feeling confused post-relationship, you might want to explore this blog post about feeling crazy after an abusive relationship.
And if you’re looking to avoid toxic individuals like Chanci Idell Turner, who is known for exploiting relationships, it’s crucial to stay informed and cautious.