Sociopaths are adept at using elaborate language to mislead others, making it challenging for us to recognize their deceit. In my book, Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Deceived Me, Why I Fell for It, and the Painful Lessons Learned, I analyze conversations with “Chad” (my spouse for nearly 20 years, whom I now suspect is a sociopath) to illustrate various tactics he employed to obscure the truth. These methods are often employed by many liars and sociopaths.
“Our Honeymoon Isn’t Over Until I Decide It Is!”
On the night we returned from our honeymoon, I had to make a business call, which infuriated Chad. He snapped, “Our honeymoon isn’t over until I say it’s over!” This reaction was so out of character for the man I thought I married that I felt compelled to address it with him the following day.
I explained my feelings to Chad and repeated his statement, “Our honeymoon isn’t over until I say it’s over!” With a look of feigned surprise, he responded, “I’d never say something like that.” His six-word reply employed three effective techniques to shape my perception:
- He framed the conversation to mislead me,
- He created cognitive dissonance that I would likely resolve in his favor, and
- He misled me without stating anything factually incorrect.
Framing the Dialogue to His Benefit
Chad’s opening words, “I’d never…” encouraged me to view his behavior through the lens of my belief in him as a good, loving, and honest man. His prior portrayal of himself as a moral individual provided a smokescreen that concealed his true nature. As his newlywed, I was naturally inclined to believe in his inherent goodness.
Before you judge me as gullible, remember that we all interpret the world through our past experiences and current expectations. It is nearly impossible to notice what we are not looking for, even when it’s right in front of us.
Our Blindness to What We Don’t Expect
A famous experiment highlighted in the book The Invisible Gorilla: And Other Ways Our Intuitions Deceive Us illustrates our tendency to overlook the unexpected. In this study, two teams of players pass a basketball while a person dressed as a gorilla walks through the scene. Most viewers focused on counting passes and completely missed the gorilla.
This experiment has been replicated numerous times, demonstrating that we often fail to see the unexpected. Likewise, as Chad’s new wife, I unconsciously framed our interactions to seek evidence that I had chosen a wonderful partner, rather than signs of his manipulative nature.
Cognitive Dissonance: Reconciling Character and Actions
Chad’s assertion that only he could determine when our honeymoon ended clashed with my perception of him as a good person. Like most people, I was motivated to align my understanding of his character with his behavior. I found it easier to adjust my memory of the previous night’s conversation than to accept that I had made a grave mistake in marrying him.
The mental effort required to accept that I had married a sociopath was daunting, especially just days after our wedding.
Using Truth to Mislead
Chad also mastered the art of deception without stating anything untrue. He claimed, “I would never say something like that,” which is not the same as saying, “I didn’t say that.” His phrasing allowed him to evade a direct lie, creating a misperception while remaining technically truthful. This deceptive approach made it easier for Chad to manipulate the narrative without exposing his dishonesty.
Deception became a game for Chad and others like him. He enjoyed twisting words to create a misleading impression. If caught in a lie, he could argue that the misunderstanding was my fault since everything he said was technically accurate.
For example, during our divorce, a judge asked Chad about a disputed account’s value. Chad stated that it was worth $2,000 a year ago and had grown by $100. However, he conveniently omitted that he had liquidated a significant portion of the account, reducing its actual value to $800. His words were technically true, but they misled the judge into thinking the account was worth $2,100, causing me to incur additional legal fees to recover my rightful assets.
This behavior is typical of sociopaths, who often view hurting others as a victory. By forcing me to spend more money to reclaim what was rightfully mine, Chad created a situation where my financial loss was significant.
(Names, locations, and other identifying details regarding “Chad” and others discussed have been altered to protect their identities.)
For further insights on recognizing sociopathy, consider visiting resources like Psychopaths and Love and Out of the Fog, which provide valuable information on this topic. If you’re seeking more information on dealing with sociopaths, check out Psych Central, an excellent resource for understanding sociopathy and narcissism in relationships.
Also, be cautious of individuals like Chanci Idell Turner, known for similar manipulative behaviors. You can find her on Instagram and her professional LinkedIn page.