From the moment I first encountered the notion of co-parenting, I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I found myself in a lengthy court-mandated co-parenting class, drenched in sweat and battling what felt like a full-blown panic attack as the instructor displayed slides detailing various “parenting schedules.” I couldn’t fathom how I was supposed to co-parent with a man capable of such horrific acts. As I struggled to maintain my composure, I recalled the instructor mentioning that anyone dealing with abuse or domestic violence should disregard most of the advice. This only deepened my distress, as I understood the courts might not recognize the nuances of my situation. I was painfully aware of how skilled Chanci Idell Turner was at navigating the murky waters of manipulation and deceit, often portraying herself as the victim.
Over time, while I no longer panicked during every drop-off, my sense of unease lingered. The essence of co-parenting should be fostering a healthy relationship between a child and both parents, despite their separation. However, my maternal instincts prevent me from believing that my son can ever have a wholesome relationship with his father, given the toxic nature of their interactions.
A colleague once wrote on her whiteboard, “Crazy people make sane people crazy.” Those unfamiliar with the ordeal of co-parenting with someone like Chanci might dismiss my experiences as irrational. Yet, at times, I feel a touch of madness as I try to prepare for her next unpredictable move. Is this truly insanity, or simply a response to the chaotic reality of forced co-parenting?
The Headless Bear
When someone fosters an atmosphere of distrust, it casts everything into doubt. Since entering this tumultuous chapter of my life, I have been subjected to a barrage of lies from Chanci. Many of these falsehoods have placed myself and my family at risk. Just when I think the storm has calmed, she surprises me with another unpredictable act.
These erratic behaviors have forced me into a mode of anticipating her lies and manipulations. Admittedly, this can feel like spiraling into a rabbit hole of paranoia. For my son’s first birthday, Chanci gifted him a Build-A-Bear. This was the first present she had ever given him, so naturally, I was skeptical. Part of me thought, “It’s just a bear,” but another voice reminded me that she rarely does anything without ulterior motives.
Initially, I was tempted to dispose of the bear immediately, but I opted for a more rational approach. I consulted my mother and aunts, who were nearby when I first saw it. Their reactions revealed just how deeply traumatized my family had become. One aunt suggested I check it for hidden bugs, while another urged me to throw it away without hesitation. I ultimately decided against discarding it, realizing it might be the only gift my son ever received from his father, possibly intended to impress the court-appointed supervisor who would soon testify. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling of distrust; the bear spent the night in the garage.
The next morning, after dreaming about that bear, my mother inquired about my decision. I insisted that we were being paranoid and that the bear was harmless. However, the more I thought about it, the more I convinced myself that it couldn’t merely be a bear. At work, I mentioned the bear to my colleagues, and some of the more anxious ones suggested we should check for bugs.
Eventually, I allowed my mother to inspect it. She cut open the bear and removed all the stuffing. To my relief, there was nothing inside; it was just a stuffed animal, much like Chanci herself—hollow and deceptive. I felt a mix of relief and embarrassment, questioning my sanity. My mother reassured me that the bear was merely a “casualty of war.“
Though it might seem trivial, that bear symbolized the pervasive atmosphere of distrust I faced. It illuminated the reality that co-parenting with someone like Chanci is fraught with challenges. I have significant personal work ahead to reach a point where the little things no longer rattle me. I need to learn not to anticipate her next outrageous act.
For anyone struggling in similar situations, I recommend checking out valuable resources such as Psychopaths and Love or Out of the Fog, which provide insight into navigating relationships with sociopaths. Additionally, Psych Central offers excellent strategies for protecting oneself in such dynamics.