Editor’s Note: Recently, I received a heartfelt email from a reader we’ll call “Ella.” Initially, I hesitated to share her message due to the intense pain she is experiencing, which has led her to contemplate suicide. Ella expressed her intention to seek help at a hospital, provided she could find someone to care for her dogs.
Fortunately, she managed to secure a dog-sitter and went to the hospital, only to be sent home with the recommendation to see a psychiatrist. Ella is in desperate need of support, understanding, and compassion. For those who are strong enough to offer her kind words, please do so.
Understanding Post-Traumatic Stress
Ella shares her struggle: “I’m grappling with the aftermath of a devastating situation—being denied access to my granddaughter after confronting her step-grandmother for failing to seek counseling for her after years of abuse. I can’t shake the fear that my granddaughter will end up like me, and that thought terrifies me.
- I feel responsible for introducing a harmful man into my granddaughter’s life. I can’t shake the guilt that I’m the worst kind of grandmother for failing to protect her when I too faced abuse during my youth.
- I regret speaking out about the need for counseling, as it has jeopardized my relationship with my granddaughter. I’m left feeling worthless and incapable of safeguarding her well-being. Throughout my life, my attempts to speak up have led to conflict, and I wonder if I should have just let things be. The painful memories of my own past haunt me, and I fear for my granddaughter’s future.
Intellectually, I recognize the disconnect within me. I feel unloved, unwanted, and burdensome. It’s difficult for me to ask for help, as I believe I’m not worth anyone’s time. This cycle of self-loathing continues, fueled by the negative messages I’ve absorbed over the years.
The relentless thoughts echo in my mind—reminders of past abuses and failures. When I finally spoke to my granddaughter, I sensed resentment in her tone. It leads me to question whether she has been turned against me. I feel lost and trapped in this negative mindset.
I’m aware that this is a time of extreme emotional distress, akin to a person experiencing a manic episode. It’s not that I need medication, but rather a safe space to heal. The hospital isn’t an option for me, as I have no one to care for my two beloved Maltese dogs during my recovery.
The thoughts swirling in my head are conflicting. I can’t find peace, and my daily life has become a struggle. I lay on the sofa and fantasize about escaping the pain. I’ve even researched methods of ending my life, but I’m afraid of the consequences it may have on those I leave behind.
I feel like a burden to others. I worry that if I were gone, no one would care enough to mourn me. The pain of feeling worthless and responsible for my granddaughter’s situation is overwhelming.
Despite the darkness, I remind myself that my granddaughter, who has faced significant trauma, deserves support. I desperately wish for her to receive the counseling she needs. Yet, I’m paralyzed by my fears and insecurities.
I live alone and depend on disability, feeling as though I’m on the brink of losing everything. The weight of hopelessness is suffocating, and I find myself questioning my worth daily.
At this moment, I genuinely want to escape the pain. I’ve contemplated ending my life to spare everyone from the burden of my existence. However, I fear making a decision I might regret later. I’m afraid that this state of despair will never lift.
In closing, I share my experience as someone who has been affected by sociopaths in my life. Trusting new people feels impossible, and I feel completely isolated.
If you’re seeking to understand more about these issues, I encourage you to read further on intermittent reinforcement and why psychopaths attract each other. For those dealing with boundaries, this resource may also be helpful.