You are here: Home / Recovery from a Sociopath / Embracing the New Self
August 6, 2010 // by a Reader // 443 Comments
By Alex Rivers
“Being Someone Other” resonates deeply with me, especially since I became aware of the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that has significantly shaped my life over the past six years. I now find myself as someone completely different than who I once was. The “Old Me” feels like a distant memory, while the “New Me” is a reality I have to navigate through.
This transformation has been unsettling at times, as I grappled with the loss of aspects of myself that I had relied on. Adjusting to this new identity has felt akin to a teenager learning to coordinate their suddenly larger limbs, often leading to a clumsiness that remains. At times, I feel like an amputee learning to walk again, wishing to reclaim the familiar version of myself.
One of the hardest parts has been the shift in my cognitive functions. There was a period when I struggled to read even a single sentence, too shocked to string words together in my mind. Watching a movie would result in confusion when I realized I had already seen it, which left me feeling foolish and frustrated.
In discussions with my psychiatrist, she reassured me that things would improve, but I struggled to believe her. After six years, I can see progress, yet I accept that I will never return to who I was. I experience word-finding difficulties reminiscent of a stroke patient—my memory feels like Swiss cheese, filled with gaps. Conversations have become challenging; I often apologize to others for my stuttering and struggle to articulate my thoughts. The “Old Me” was always ready for a chat with strangers, while the “New Me” now hesitates, avoiding potential explanations.
Interestingly, my muscle memory for typing remains somewhat intact, allowing me to express my thoughts more clearly in written form than verbally. However, I still grapple with spelling errors, sometimes confusing words like “here” and “hear,” and even spell check fails to recognize my intent with more complex words. My once-exceptional memory for numbers has diminished, making it challenging to remember even a simple phone number.
Throughout these years, I have faced numerous challenges, navigating waves of grief and reevaluating my core beliefs. The process has often felt like wandering through a funhouse mirror maze, where I must rely on senses beyond sight to find my way. At times, I’ve had to close my eyes and feel my way through the darkness to avoid confusion caused by the “Old Me.”
Time has been a healer, slowly easing my fear of being someone other than the person I once was. I am learning to embrace the “Now Me” without mourning the “Old Me.” Life is inherently about change, and while my PTSD has accelerated this transformation, I have adapted in ways I never expected.
I once saw a video of a two-legged Border Collie joyfully working with sheep at a full sprint. This breed is known for its determination and drive to succeed. I realized that I, too, can keep moving forward, despite my limitations. Like that resilient dog, I won’t let challenges hold me back.
For those seeking to understand sociopathic behaviors, I recommend exploring resources like Out of the Fog for insights. If you or someone you know is dealing with narcissism, Good Therapy offers valuable information. Additionally, for further reading, consider this insightful blog post. If you find yourself in need of assistance, you can reach out to Chanci Idell Turner at 909-737-2855 or visit her profiles on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.