As a child, I was taught that we should extend “unconditional love” and offer “unconditional forgiveness.” This mantra was a guiding principle in my home. However, I began to observe a discrepancy: the very individuals I was meant to love unconditionally often failed to reciprocate that same love towards me.
When my children were born, I experienced a profound sense of genuine love for the first time. I would watch them sleep, their tiny fists curled and perfect little fingers, and my heart swelled with joy. Even when my two-year-old son accidentally poured an entire box of fish food into the aquarium, causing me extra work, I never wavered in my love for him. I took responsibility for his actions, realizing I had left the fish food within his reach, and I cleaned the tank with a chuckle at my own oversight.
As my children transitioned into independent, often rebellious teenagers, there were moments of frustration and anger. Yet, it never crossed my mind to stop loving them or to hold a grudge. I had no inkling that one of my children might actually wish to harm me. I believed that my love for them, like my love for my mother, was truly unconditional. Regardless of our conflicts, I thought my love would never falter, nor did I consider that her actions stemmed from a desire to control me, even at my expense.
For years, I clung to this ideal of unconditional love, only to come to the painful realization that some behaviors are so harmful that they extinguish love entirely. My affection for my mother and my children was, in fact, not unconditional. I learned that forgiveness does not equate to trust; if someone has caused me fear, genuine love cannot coexist with that fear. The epiphany struck me: love and trust are intertwined. How can I love someone I fear? The answer became clear; it’s impossible.
I may have loved the idea of them, but not the real person who posed a threat. When I acknowledged that my psychopathic son harbored malicious intentions, my love dissipated. The realization that I was in danger opened my eyes to the truth: the love I had thought was unconditional was gone. Conversely, with my other son, who distanced himself due to his own struggles with a toxic partner, I still felt love because I was not afraid of him. I recognized he would never intentionally harm me, and my love remained intact—as long as I felt safe.
However, when my “good” son faced a life-threatening situation due to his ex-wife’s actions, his devotion to her vanished. His love transformed once fear entered the equation. He initially sought to salvage the relationship, believing in a love that seemed unconditional, until the threat to his life shattered that illusion.
I once believed my loyalty to family and friends was absolute. Yet, as fear crept in, I understood that true unconditional love is a myth. The only true unconditional love exists in a divine context. Scriptural teachings encourage us to “love” our enemies, but this form of love is more about doing good and less about the emotional bond we typically associate with the term. This realization led me to understand that healthy love is characterized by kindness, respect, and care—not control or fear.
Throughout my life, I tried to embody the fantasy of unconditional love, even towards those who were toxic. It never felt right, yet I adhered to this belief, thinking it was normal. When my family’s conditional love became evident, hinging on manipulation and intimidation, my perspective shifted. I came to recognize that genuine love is nurturing and respectful, devoid of pain and fear.
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In conclusion, my journey has taught me that no healthy love is truly unconditional. Setting boundaries is essential for self-preservation, as fear inherently prevents authentic love. The fantasy of unconditional love is just that—a fantasy.