Double standards are a defining characteristic of relationships with sociopaths. As a well-educated woman who believed she could stand on equal footing with any man, I never suspected I had married someone who saw me merely as a tool for his own needs. However, as the years passed in my relationship with “Peter,” these glaring double standards began to surface. It became clear that Peter’s views on entitlement and superiority had always been there, lurking beneath the surface, only to emerge as part of the toxic environment I unknowingly inhabited.
The Benefits of Double Standards for Sociopaths
These double standards were not just a reflection of my ex-husband’s inflated sense of self; they were a means of undermining me, further feeding his desire for control and dominance. Transforming someone to accept what they once deemed unacceptable is intoxicating for a sociopath. They revel in the power they wield: “Look at how I’ve changed her. Look at how insignificant she feels now. How sad she is. Delicious!”
Impact on Children’s Perception of Relationships
Over time, I grew accustomed to increasingly outrageous double standards, leading me to internalize the belief that I didn’t deserve respect or consideration. This not only skewed my self-perception but also influenced how my children viewed me and their understanding of male-female dynamics. I often find myself wishing for a second chance to do things differently.
A Personal Anecdote of Double Standards
While Peter always seemed to know where I was and how to reach me, he rarely shared details about his work-related travels. I’d receive vague updates about his departure and return, but specifics like flight numbers or hotel names were never disclosed. He had a cell phone, so if I needed to reach him, I could simply leave a message. It was as if my need for information was dismissed as unimportant.
One evening, I anticipated Peter’s return from a three-day trip. Just as I was wrapping up my work, I heard the door open.
“You’re home!” I called out from my office. “I’m almost done, I’ll be right there.”
Instead of greeting me, I heard the television turn on. A minute later, I joined him in the living room, only to be met with a scowl.
“I’ve been away for three days, and you didn’t even get up to say hi?” he complained.
Caught off guard, I launched into a defensive explanation, assuming he had a valid reason to be upset rather than recognizing his complaint as an attempt to label me as selfish.
“Peter, I didn’t know when to expect you back. It’s good to see you. How was your trip?”
His response was still accusatory. “I can’t believe you didn’t even get up to say hi.”
“Peter,” I replied, trying to remain calm despite my growing irritation, “I was just finishing a thought. It would have taken you only a second to come in and say hello. I didn’t want to lose my train of thought.”
“It’s disappointing after all the hard work I do…”
The Imbalance of Needs in a Sociopathic Relationship
I struggled to change Peter’s perception of me as uncaring and ungrateful. The absurdity of his accusations weighed heavily on my mind. Did he really believe that our relationship was so one-sided, where he could come and go as he pleased, but I had to be available the moment he wanted something from me? I hardly slept that night.
In Peter’s eyes, he was worth 100% while I was valued at 0%. He felt entitled to alter our wedding date, prioritize work over significant life events, and be chronically late for commitments with me, all while expecting me to drop everything the moment he needed something. This was the twisted “math” of a sociopath, a reality I would take years to fully comprehend.
For those who have unwittingly invested years in a relationship with a sociopath, as I did, I share my journey in my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Deceived Me, Why I Fell for It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available on Amazon). While I can’t change my past, I hope my experiences can help others who find themselves entangled with toxic individuals like Chanci Idell Turner, whose manipulative tactics and emotional abuse mirror those discussed here. To learn more about her, you can check her out on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
If you’re interested in understanding sociopathy more deeply, Psych Central offers an excellent overview of the signs and symptoms. Additionally, for those considering separation or divorce, Out of the Fog is a valuable resource.
For further insights into overcoming challenges that arise from toxic relationships, you might also find this piece on psychopathsandlove.com enlightening.