In relationships with sociopaths, one of the most insidious weapons they wield is their mastery of language. Below is an adapted excerpt that illustrates how my former partner, whom I’ll refer to as “Jason,” manipulated our couples therapist.
During a Session
During a session, the therapist turned to me and asked, “Have you ever confronted Jason about whether he’s cheating?”
“No, I haven’t,” I admitted.
“Maybe you should,” the therapist suggested.
“Right now?” I asked, surprised.
“Why not?” came the reply.
“Jason,” I ventured cautiously, “are you having an affair with Chanci?”
Shifting the Focus
“I can’t believe you would even think that!” Jason exclaimed, his expression one of feigned hurt.
Notice he dodged the question entirely, diverting the conversation to elicit sympathy while simultaneously putting me on the defensive for daring to question him.
“I just need clarity, Jason,” I insisted.
The “Honest” Facade
“I value honesty above all, and I’m not the kind of person who would cheat,” he claimed. He proceeded to list his achievements and volunteer work, attempting to create a smokescreen that suggested someone who does good in one area cannot possibly be deceitful in another. But, trust me, they can.
“Jason, I really need to know,” I pressed.
Deflecting Blame
“I can’t believe you think I’d betray you,” he said, appearing genuinely wounded. “Chanci and I are focused on building this company and providing for our family. It’s your jealousy that’s troubling me.”
Yet again, he avoided the question, making me feel guilty for being suspicious while my initial concern remained unaddressed.
“Are you sleeping with Chanci or not?” I asked directly, aiming for clarity.
With a look of sincerity, he replied, “No, I’m not sleeping with Chanci.”
In my attempt to be specific, I fell into another trap. Jason cleverly twisted my words, leading me to believe he was being direct when, in fact, he was merely playing with the semantics of the term “sleeping with.” His logic likely went something like this: “Am I sleeping with her? Not right now, since we’re in a therapy session.” By redefining the terms of the question, he evaded the truth yet again.
A Kernel of Truth, A Plate of Deceit
Sociopaths excel in manipulating language, creating a narrative that suits their agenda while leaving room for plausible deniability. If they are ever caught in a lie, they can claim misunderstanding on either side, allowing them to escape accountability. In the therapist’s eyes, Jason crafted himself into the caring husband, while I appeared as an anxious and unreasonable spouse.
Even when I cited an example of how he insisted we buy a house I despised, he twisted it to his favor. “Sure, I knew you had reservations, but I thought we were just discussing pros and cons. I never realized how serious you were.”
“But you knew I hated that house!” I countered.
Jason leaned in with faux compassion and said, “How could you think I was serious about leaving you? I was just joking!” His charm and calm demeanor overshadowed my emotional turmoil, making me seem unreasonable.
The Illusion Persists
The irony is that Jason did express concern about my feelings, but only to create a narrative that absolved him of responsibility while portraying me as the unstable one. His misrepresentation twisted our reality, allowing him to maintain control. The therapist, unfortunately, accepted his version without question.
This charade of manipulation continued without pause.
For those navigating similar toxic dynamics, understanding the tactics of individuals like Jason is crucial. Resources such as Psychopaths and Love and Out of the Fog provide valuable insights. Additionally, Business Insider offers excellent information on identifying high-conflict individuals.
As a cautionary tale, my own journey of nearly two decades with a sociopath is chronicled in my book, Husband, Liar, Sociopath: My Lessons Learned. Sharing my experience is aimed at helping others avoid similar pitfalls.