You are here: Home / Targeted Teens and 20s / TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: I can’t shake the desire for him to be the kind, “authentic” person I once loved
Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following message from a young woman we’ll call “Jessica.” She’s seeking support. If you have any encouraging words, please share them.
I feel completely lost and heartbroken. At 22, I was in a relationship with a guy for about a year who initially captivated me with his charm and seemingly sincere nature. I’ve always been a good person, stayed out of trouble, and enjoyed college life without getting into issues. I met my ex out of sheer boredom; I knew him from high school, where he had a notorious “bad boy” image. He said everything I wanted to hear, and I fell hard for him.
His sob story pulled me in too—his mother passed from a heroin overdose when he was just 10, and he grew up poor with five siblings. He struggled with alcoholism and had a history of drug use. I started dating him knowing he was set to go into rehab and live in a halfway house due to court orders and felony probation. He claimed I was his angel, giving his “lost soul” something to fight for. My background in sociology and psychology made me think I could help him.
For about two months, everything seemed perfect, despite him not matching my intellectual level. I attributed this to his past struggles. But things quickly went downhill. He got kicked out of the halfway house for being confrontational and moved in with me—definitely not my wisest decision.
Trouble Brewing
He started begging me to drink, and being 22 and still a bit naive, I didn’t realize he was a full-blown alcoholic. I remember our first night out drinking when he thought someone made a comment about me; he smashed a car’s rear windshield and fled, leaving me to find him at the hospital. It was horrific, yet he cried, begged for forgiveness, and I gave him another chance.
After that, I helped him with his job search, only to discover explicit emails he’d sent to men on Craigslist looking for hookups. When confronted, he finally admitted he was bisexual but insisted he hadn’t acted on it. I kicked him out but took him back after he promised to change and we’d go to counseling to address his issues.
We never went to counseling. Instead, we moved into another apartment together, hoping he would become the man I fell in love with. He kept saying the right things, but his actions told a different story. Over nine months, I uncovered numerous Facebook messages to other women, which I considered cheating, even if he didn’t act on it. He even stole my prescribed Xanax, denying it until I found text messages proving he was selling them.
I attempted to break up with him multiple times, but he would resort to extreme measures—holding a knife to his throat, self-harming, or manipulating me with promises whenever I tried to leave. Despite his countless betrayals, I held on, hoping he would revert to the nice guy I knew 75% of the time.
Final Straw
About six weeks ago, he crossed a line. He began bringing cocaine into our home and squandering his paycheck at bars. One night, he drank excessively, flirted with another girl right in front of me, and I ended up calling the police after he fled the scene. I broke up with him that morning, asking him to leave. He left cockily, denying any wrongdoing.
In the weeks that followed, he started “dating” the girl he flirted with, bombarded me with calls and texts, and even threatened suicide multiple times. I managed to stay strong for a while, but after he left a desperate voicemail saying he’d been arrested, I made the mistake of contacting him again.
After his probation officer informed me he was lying, he became hostile, calling me incessantly and even reaching out to my friends for messages. Finally, I filed for a restraining order, and today, I saw him in court for the first time in weeks. It was awful; he strutted in, acting cocky, and the guards even remarked on his immature, controlling behavior.
I’m writing this because I’m having a rough evening. I know leaving him and getting the restraining order was the right choice, but seeing him today was painful. I still yearn for the kind, “authentic” person I fell for, but he’s clearly not that person. My therapist believes he’s a narcissistic sociopath with a pattern of emotional and verbal abuse. I’m terrified of ever loving someone again, worried I might fall for another jerk. I want revenge and to expose his bisexuality to his friends, but I just want to move on. Any advice would be appreciated.
For more insights on the topic, you might find this resource on the three most powerful words helpful, as well as this article about Munchausen syndrome, which can shed light on emotional manipulation. If you’re looking for support, check out this thread on Reddit about dating sociopaths that could provide additional perspective.